The absolute craziest thing happened to us the other day. The girls and I were with my sister at the Polynesian Resort in Disney World. Nick was in Orlando for Odyssey of the Mind stuff so the girls and I drove down to see his kids perform and to hang out with him. All three girls took a nap in the car on the way to Orlando (something so rare that it is worth noting) so I told them that we could all ride the monorail as a reward. Katie happened to be there doing Disney cast member stuff so she met us for dinner, which puts us at the Poly, outside, eating some chicken with pineapple and pulled pork nachos (which were FANTASTIC). Alexa had the nachos in front of her and was munching away listening to Katie and I talk. We had just finished telling the girls that we had something super awesome planned for this evening (again, yay for naps) but we could not do anything fun if we had any fussers. There was to be no complaining and absolutely no crying. As soon as the words left my mouth, we were attacked! A giant black bird swooped down, slammed on the table between myself and Alexa, grabbed a chunk of food off of the nacho plate and then took off flying over Kate’s head, brushing Alexa’s face with it’s wings! It was the craziest shit I have ever seen! Katie and I sat there with our mouths open. All of the people around us stared at us in shock and Kate and Alexa had a look of horror on their faces. When we finally came to our senses, Katie and I looked at each other and then at the girls and told them that it was okay to cry. Alexa immediately burst into tears and Kate jumped out of her chair exclaiming “I’m done eating!”. We threw away the rest of the food and ran inside before any more birds could attack (and so did a couple of the people who were sitting around us). It was something straight out of my nightmares. Those nasty, feathered sky rats have it out for me and my children. They fly together in flocks so that they can plan their next attack. You think I’m crazy but this shit is real!!! Nick would agree with you too, he doesn’t pay attention to half of what I talk about anymore. He says that I give animals too much credit because I think that they communicate with each other and think intelligently but I’m telling you this bird was serious about his attack! So what have we learned from this experience? Birds are evil and you must believe everything Disney World says, which leads me to my PSA of the day. I love Disney World and the revamp of the Polynesian looks amazing, but if Disney tells you to not feed the birds, DO NOT FEED THE DAMN BIRDS!!!!! They will think that everybody’s food is for them and they will attack you and your children!
Tag Archives: Kids
A Lot Can Happen in a Year
Well, not a whole lot. I mean, I had another baby. Look at how beautiful she is! 
Don’t you just want to eat her chunky face?! (You know, in a non cannibal kind of a way) Alexa is about to dance in her first competition, Kate has proven herself to be a genius and Lia is the sweetest little thing I have ever met in my life. We have been busy with our usual level of craziness and I have had tons of thoughts about blog posts but very few that have actually made it onto the computer. So…I am going to try this whole blogging thing again! I have a few drafts written that I never posted so if something seems weird, it’s because I wrote it months ago. So no judging, OK? Let’s see how long I last this time!
How To Pack A Car (Alone) With 2 Children In 27 Easy Steps
1- A week before your trip, make multiple lists for every possible item you may need.
2- Spend every spare moment you have in that preceding week packing the bags and making new lists.
3- The night before you leave, collect your bags by the door and double check your packing skills. Make a new list of last minute items to be packed in the morning and have yet another bag ready for those things.
4- The morning of your trip, wake up, get the children up and (referring to your final list) pack your last bag. Go ahead and feel really good about yourself right now and take a moment to let that feeling sink in because this will be your best parenting moment of the day. Please notice that your best parenting moment did not include children.
5- Try to take the dog out and realize that it’s starting to rain. Well crap. You will then have to pick the dog up and put her in the grass because she has developed a sudden, irrational fear of water (especially the kind that falls from the sky). Tell her that she’s being ridiculous, that it’s only sprinkling and that she needs to pee now. She does not pee, but turns around the second you put her on the grass and runs back inside.
6- Go put a pee pee pad down on the floor in your bathroom for the dog to pee on.
7- Attempt to stop the 1 year old from unpacking all of your beautifully packed bags that are still sitting by the door.
8- When the 3 year old asks to help, tell her that she can help by watching the 1 year old. (She will then say “OK!” and sit on the floor in your room with the 1 year old to play with her. Appreciate this moment.)
9- Begin carrying the bags out to your car. You will need to take the double stroller, so there will be some strategy in packing the trunk of your little Ford Focus.
10- After you have the stroller and larger bags by the trunk of the car, take a moment to assess the situation and visualize how everything will fit best. About half way through packing the bags into the trunk you will notice a small, chunky baby running out of the garage into the rain…barefoot. And guess who’s running out right behind her? The (apparently miraculously healed of her water phobia) dog. The same dog who was acting as if we had acid rain in North Florida is now chasing after the 1 year old and jumping in puddles like she’s a puppy. Meanwhile, of course the rain starts coming down harder and the bags are getting wet.
11- Screw the systematic approach and throw the rest of the bags into the trunk.
12- Run after the barefoot 1 year old who is now soaked and filthy and is also now running away from you while shrieking with laughter.
13- After you get the 1 year old back into the garage, go back out for the dog who has now apparently gone deaf because she suddenly has no idea what the phrase “Minnie! Get back in the house!!!” means. As you get the dog, be prepared for the 1 year old to try to escape back out into the rain…it will happen.
14- With the dog under one arm and the 1 year old under the other arm, get back into the house where you will find the 3 year old standing in your room. Now here’s where I’m going to save you the trouble because if you ask her: “Alexa, I thought you were going to help Mommy by watching Kate and Minnie” she will answer: “I was watching them and then they walked away from me and I couldn’t see them anymore.” I have no words.
15- Get the baby cleaned up and put shoes on everyone.
16- Pack up some snacks for the car . Look up and realize that it stopped raining (probably as soon as you came inside).
17- Tell everyone that it’s time to get in the car and, with the bags that contain the car toys on your shoulder, try to herd the children through the garage and out to the car.
18- Spend about 5 minutes getting them into their seats and buckled in.
19- Bring the dog back inside. Again. Tell her that she’s not coming this time.
20- Grab your purse and keys, lock the door and get into the car. This is when the 3 year old will ask for a drink…and you realize that her sippy cup is not in the diaper bag.
21- Go back into the house to get the missing sippy cup (which the 1 year old had pulled out of the bag in her attempt to unpack everything).
22- Get back into the car and realize that your phone isn’t plugged into the charger and in the cup holder where you keep it.
23- Search frantically for the phone. Dump out your purse and diaper bag onto the front seat.
24- Go back inside to look for your phone. (you left it on the kitchen counter) On your way out, grab some more snacks.
25- Dump your phone and the snacks onto the front seat in the car and go back into the garage to get a Pepsi out of the fridge (because who the hell thought it was a good idea to wake up at 6:45 so that we could leave as soon as the girls got up?!).
26- Go back into the house at least 3 more times for random items that you either forgot or one of the girls said that they need.
26- Drive to the stop sign at the end of your street where you will suddenly remember 2 more things that you forgot.
27- Keep driving. It’s not worth it.
(June 12, 2014)
Udderly Delicious!
So, I was feeling sorry for myself the other night because I had to work full time. I like my job and I would want to work sometimes, just not full time. I was irritated because I have to leave for work at 5:45am and I don’t get home until 8 (or later) which is way after Alexa goes to bed, and sometimes after even Kate goes to bed. I hadn’t seen Alexa in more than 3 days and my only interaction with Kate was a bath and night time feed. Anyway, I was moping around the kitchen trying to brainstorm ideas to make money from home and wishing that I had a marketable skill when I saw a Target ad on the counter advertising for a sale on all breastfeeding supplies. (Oh yeah! I think you know where this is going now!) So I thought to myself, ‘That’s what makes me (semi)unique…I produce milk! Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I sold my breast milk online.’ I walked into my bedroom still chuckling to myself and decided, just out of sheer curiosity, to try to google it. OMG, you guys, there is a whole breast milk buying/selling world out there! It’s like the breast milk black market. Except it’s legal. I think. Legal or illegal, it’s kind of creepy.
People post ads for their milk. It’s like the classifieds of human dairy products. And not only are they describing (in detail) their milk, they are, in a way, selling themselves too. And they sell it by the ounce! Examples: “1000+ ounces of creamy fresh or frozen breast milk from healthy mother” (I want to know if the ‘fresh’ stuff is still warm), “Healthy, fatty milk for your little one”, “Human dairy queen…”, “Fit, healthy, Ivy-league educated mom selling…”, and my personal favorite: “Fresh BM. Local sales only” And that, folks, is why acronyms are generally bad.
I’m not gonna lie, I’m all about the nursing with Katelyn, more so than I was with Alexa. But if I wasn’t able to nurse her for any reason, formula it would be! She gets 2 bottles of formula a day as it is anyway. I mean, I understand that people want what’s best for their baby. And the people selling it are just trying to make some extra cash from their overflow (no pun intended) supplies. Some of these women must be making thousands of dollars! I checked, and there’s about 200 ounces of milk in my freezer right now. I might just sell off whatever Kate doesn’t drink. I could market my milk as “Udderly Delicious!”
(July 28, 2013)
A Whole Lot of Crazy – part 2
Since Alexa has had the bumpers off of her crib, she has been having a little problem at night keeping her pacis. She doesn’t realize it, but when she’s sleeping she throws them on the floor. The phrase ‘active sleeper’ just doesn’t even begin to describe her. You have to see it to believe it. So, on to my story:
I got up for work one morning and everything seemed to be how it should be. After showering and getting dressed, I was in the kitchen making my oatmeal when I heard a whimpering noise. It sounded just like Wolfie. Wait. I think I should first tell you that about two days before this happened I swear I saw Wolfie in my family room. Alexa and I were playing in her room and when I looked out her door I know I saw him walk by the couches. At first I assumed I was crazy, that it must have been one of the girls but then I realized that both girls were sitting right next to me. This is not even the crazy that I’m going to talk about, either. I swear that I see people all the time. Like the ghost at Dance Explosion (that many people have seen) who I know is my grandpa Nettina. Oh and another time, when I was vacuming, I was positive that I saw grandpa Natwick sitting on my couch. And the obvious time when grandma Natwick stopped by on her way to heaven to tell me about her chair. Are you telling me that it is a coincidence that I woke up at the exact time she passed and could think of nothing else but that chair? OK, I’m getting off track. Anyway, so it’s 5:30 in the morning and I hear a whimpering noise. First, I dismiss it, thinking that I’m hearing something from the microwave or something outside. Then it happens again. And again. And again. Enough times that now I know I am hearing something and that it is in the house. Oh yeah, and it sounds EXACTLY like how Wolfie used to whimper. Do I think that I have a small child in the other room? No, of course not. I immediately jump to the conclusion that my dog has come down from doggie heaven to say hello. Trying to be sane, I turned on the lights in my room to check on the girls and make sure it wasn’t them (Nick was sleeping in the guest bedroom that night – with the monitor. But that’s a whole other story that will take up much too much time). So anyway, I turn on the lights and Glynnis and Minnie are passed out sleeping. I’m pretty sure Minnie was snoring, and I’m positive that neither of them were whimpering. ‘Great’, I think, now I’m just one step closer to crazy. So what do I do? I go back out to the kitchen/family room and I’m sneaking around whispering Wolfie’s name. And then I hear it again. Now I’m sure I’m crazy. Thoughts of schitzophrenia are running through my head. Here’s the crazy girl who doesn’t hear voices. Oh no, she hears her deceased dog crying for her. I decide that I need to go wake up Nick because he needs to have me admitted somewhere, he needs to take me to the crazy house and OH MY GOD, why won’t that dog stop crying?!?! It is at this point, when I am about five steps away from the guest room door, that I remember that I have a child. I walk up to Alexa’s door and slowly creep inside her room to find her sitting up, kind of slumped in the corner of her crib. She looked at me, made her little Wolfie-like whimper and I silently said a small prayer of thanks for the last bit of my sanity. Apparently, I’m not quite as crazy as I once thought. When I walked up to Alexa and asked if she was ok, she nodded yes. And then in a completely big girl and whimper free voice she said “paci fall on floor”.
(September 20, 2012)
A Whole Lot of Crazy – Part 1
Alexa has always been great going to bed (when I’m home). She’s one of those kids who you put in the bed, she picks up her paci and bunny, turns on her music, lays down and goes to sleep. It’s a big part of what makes her so incredibly awesome. So, a few weeks ago (I know, I’ve been a little too distracted with other things to keep up with the blog lately) we were all doing our usual bedtime routine and for some reason Lexi wanted her paci early. We are hopefully going to be getting rid of the paci soon, so she only gets it when she is physically in her bed. So after lots of screaming, we finally put her in the crib, gave her the paci and said good night. Well, she did not like that at all. She kept on screaming that she was “all done night night” and after lots of hugs and kisses I just told her it was time to go to sleep and left her in the crib to scream by herself. No big deal. I assumed she would just lay down and go to sleep like she always does. About two minutes later, as I was doing dishes, I looked up to see her door slightly open. My first thought was ‘why did Nick go in there? She finally quieted down and she needs to just put herself to sleep.’ Then I saw a little 2.5 foot creature in her pink footie pajamas creep around the door, grab the handle and slowly pull it closed. She turned around to look at me with an expression of equal parts awe, excitement and pure terror. And then she said “hi”. Crazy girl had climbed out of her crib, somehow (thank God) landed on her feet and decided to come hang out with the grown ups. We scooped her up and I read her some books as Nick took the bumpers off of her crib. I know it’s something we should have done months ago but she likes her crib so much, I never thought she’d try to climb out of it. Plus, she’s so short the side rails on the crib come up to her armpits. Even if she used the bumpers to stand on, I thought it’d be impossible for her to actually get out. Well apparently I have been proven wrong. As usual. And after laying on the floor next to her crib pretending to sleep and watching her crawl out not one but two more times that night without the help of the bumpers, I have come to the conclusion that my child has super human upper body strength. She goes to the front right corner of her crib, grabs onto the outside of the rail and pulls herself up until she can get her right leg up onto the right side rail. Then she uses her leg to help pull herself up so that she’s laying on top of the side rail on her belly and I assume then she swings her legs around to drop and land on her feet (I ‘woke up’ and stopped her when she got to her belly). I guess that its a good thing that we drilled into her head to get down from the couch or our bed feet first. At least maybe that helped her from landing on her head. Needless to say, we went out and got another video monitor after that night (our first one had broken months ago and we’ve just been using an audio monitor). And, so far, she hasn’t tried to climb out again. Which I’m very happy about. Alexa really does love her crib and, the way that she sleeps, I wouldn’t trust her to be in a toddler bed. Plus, I like knowing that when we put her to bed at night she has to stay there until we get her in the morning. No night time strolls around the house or midnight play time in her room. I’m not ready for that yet.
(September 20, 2012)
Music Class
It’s been awhile, I know. I finally moved to day shift (yay!) which is fantastic for my life but not so great for my blog, since I do most of my blogging from work. Oh well, I suppose I have to find a new (maybe slightly more appropriate) time to write. Also, the switch from night to day shift has been a little less smooth than I anticipated. I want to sleep all the time. Like, even on my days off, I put Alexa to bed and then get in bed myself. I end up falling asleep around 9:00, just to wake up at 4am ready to go. It’s only been 2 weeks so I’m still adjusting. My first week of day shift was OK, there are a lot more people here during the day which is exactly what I don’t like. More people to have to talk to is not my idea of fun. And on top of all the doctors and case workers, etc. there are also tons of med students getting all up in everyone’s business. Which brings me to my next story.
Alexa and I went to music class, as usual, last Friday. She was having one of those kind of days where she’s just a little more crazy then usual. She insisted on wearing her 4th of July fireworks shirt and then on the way to music class she pulled out her pig tails and lost one of the stretchies. She ended up having this crazy pony tail with a center part that was left over from the pig tails plus wearing this ridiculous shirt that is too big on her anyways. She looked just about as crazy as she was acting. So we were sitting in music class and it was time for the drums. Lexi would not stop putting her drum mallet in her mouth so I ended up taking it away from her. I was in the process of shaking it at her and threatening to beat her with it (joking, of course…mostly) when who walks by but one of the doctors I work with accompanied by the slew of med students who had been hanging around the PICU all week. Of course he came up to me to talk for a minute and asked how day shift was (blah, blah, blah). Meanwhile I told Alexa to say ‘hi’ and handed the mallet back to her (in the most gentle, non-threatening way I knew how). The whole time with 10 med students just standing there watching us. Perfect. So then I suppose Alexa thought that she already hit crazy, she might as well just go with it. (After the small entourage of doctors left – thank God) She started pulling her shirt over her head and walking around with the front of it over her face, laughing. Then, she took off the whole shirt, put her hands on her hips and walked around the room saying “I’m naked! I’m naked!”. Imagine about 15 mothers, plus the teacher, sitting in a circle singing songs while their babies are either on their laps or playing in the center of the circle. And then there’s my kid. Half naked strutting around proclaiming and celebrating her nudity. After two attempts to put her shirt back on (it quickly came off again), and tucking it into her pants (that didn’t work either), I picked her up and we had a little discussion in the hallway about how if she doesn’t act like a big girl, we aren’t coming back to music class again. She nodded and said “Shexa big girl’. The other mothers were smiling and chuckling at her but I know that they were thinking ‘Oh, thank God my kid isn’t acting like that’. Alexa did act like a big girl for what was left of the class (about 5 minutes) and we had another talk this past Friday before leaving for our class. Oh, and this week, she wore a onesie.
(August 11, 2012)
The Tooth Demon
This past weekend we met a new side of Alexa. The crazy side. I’m not kidding. And I’m pretty sure it came in the form of a tooth. On Friday night she started getting a little fussy, had a fever and was chewing on stuff. No problem, she got some Tylenol and for the most part felt better. We went to bed Friday night thinking that everything was fine, not realizing that crazy girl was about to come out. Sometime between Friday night and Saturday morning, some demon or something got a hold of my sweet little baby. What? Are you going to say that I’m exaggerating and it couldn’t have been that bad? Well, you’re wrong. I seriously considered calling my local priest to inquire about the cost of an excercism. Seriously. If she would have started projectile vomiting green pea soup, with her head rotating and the words ‘help me’ appearing on her abdomen (Katie, that word was just for you), I would not have been surprised at all. (OK, maybe mildly surprised) If she wasn’t screaming, she was pissed. If she wasn’t pissed, she was following us around crying “up please? up please?”. I swear she made it her life goal on Saturday for her feet to not touch the ground. She probably woke up Saturday morning and thought to herself: ‘Self, I believe I will try to stay at least three feet above the floor all day long.’ Well, good job Lexi, because you pretty much met your goal. We tried to do everything for our screaming, drooling child. She got Motrin around the clock, she chewed on teething rings, we played, we read books, we watched Abby Cadaby on TV. All of her favorite things and she continued to be pissed. I can not even count the number of times she got put in time out. I’m sorry, but hurting or not, there is no hitting or throwing toys. At the end of the day I ended up sitting in time out with her and muttering “Let’s just take a break, Lex, let’s just take a break”. She was pathetic. She went to bed Saturday night, woke up and fussed a couple of times (we ended up sleeping in our sick bed) and woke up Sunday morning a new person.
So, I now have a theory about all of this. Everyone knows about the tooth fairy. I feel that we need to raise awareness about the tooth demon. Who is obviously the tooth fairy’s estranged relative…perhaps an uncle?…who finds glee in causing children (and sometimes adults who refuse to have their wisdom teeth out for fear of the dentist. What? I don’t like people touching my teeth.) horrible pain, drooling and temporary psychosis. Hopefully, you will only be visited by the tooth demon when you have teeth coming in, although, he does enjoy the occasional cavity. It’s incentive to brush your teeth. Oh my God. I could write a children’s book! Plus, added bonus for you for reading this far down the page…there is actually a moral to this story! Brush your teeth or the tooth demon will come and get you! Raise the awareness, people! Raise the awareness!
(June 27, 2012)
Crazy, Just Crazy
I am eventually going to post pictures of our Disney trip (maybe even tonight, if I get motivated) but first I must tell you about my crazy day with my crazy child and my crazy dogs. First of all, Wolfie isn’t doing to hot. He has some back problems and now he’s developed some anxiety. Yeah, that’s right, the dog has anxiety. Now, normally I would tell him to suck it up and get over it except that his form of anxiety manifests as a high pitched whinny cry that pierces your soul and is never ending. When you are trying to sleep, you will do anything to make that stop. Trust me. That being said, while I sleep, Wolfie is now allowed to roam the house at his leisure instead of going in the crate with the girls. So I woke up this afternoon, an hour earlier than I wanted to (this is of course after getting up to pee three times because of all the Pepsi I drank at work trying to stay awake through the night) irritated that the one day I can sleep in a little bit, I wake up at 1:30. Whatever. So I get up, clean up Wolfie’s pee off the floor (I’m not going to even get into that), and take the dogs out. Of course Wolfie won’t go outside so I have to pick him up and put him on the grass where he proceeds to lay down. Fine, obviously you don’t have to pee since you did it already on my wood floors. He lays there until the girls are done and then finally decides to walk around a little bit and do his business. So we stay outside longer. Finally, 15 minutes later, after we all were ready to go back inside, I was able to take a shower and get ready. I left to pick up Alexa from day care and returned home to find poop on one of the area rugs. I was gone for about 20 minutes total. I’m not going to get into how I know it was Wolfie poop but let’s just say I have my ways. The next hour and a half was full of making dinner, eating dinner, getting dressed for work and playing with Alexa/trying to keep her occupied so she will quit screaming like a banshee. After dinner, we went outside with the dogs. Everything was fine until it was time to go inside. Of course that was the point where Alexa decided that she wanted to ride in her car or throw a ball or do anything else that I said ‘no’ to. I’d be herding the dogs to the door, I’d get Alexa almost to the door and then she’d run to something else that she wanted to play with. I tell her no, she throws a fit, I drag her to the door again, repeat, repeat, repeat. Meanwhile, Wolfie now decided (of course) that it was a nice time to take a walk by the woods. You have got to be kidding me. Let’s all now think back to that wonderful bear we had about 6 months ago which was never actually caught, which I imagine is sitting just beyond my field of vision waiting to pounce on and eat whatever small creature happens to be walking by. (Hey, I never said that I didn’t have issues too) So, of course now my priority is Wolfie (who, by the way, I need two hands to carry because of his back) and of course I never got Alexa close enough to the door to actually get her in the house. I run to go pick up Wolfie and Alexa runs to the swing. The whole time looking at me and shreiking with laughter. I loose it, and start screaming that every living creature in this yard better get their butts into the house NOW! (slight paraphrase) Eventually, everyone got inside, Alexa and I got into the car and I was able to drop her off to Nick who was still at work. During the whole walk to Nick’s room, Alexa and I worked on stopping, going and listening to Mommy. And I also decided that no one is allowed to chase her around the house for fun saying ‘I’m gonna get you!’ anymore. It’s banned.
On a lighter note, Alexa and I are going to a 31 party on Thursday with all of the women in the subdivision we live in. I’m kind of excited to meet some of our neighbors but I’m mostly terrified of having to actually talk to people I don’t know. In any kind of social situation you can pretty much say good bye to nice, kind of funny, sarcastic and witty Kristin and say hello to silent, awkward Kristin. And without Nick to hide behind, it will be ten times worse. At least Alexa is coming with me. She’s a good excuse to have to leave if need be. I can almost hear my mom asking me “Kristin, did you make any friends today?!” No, mom, I didn’t. Well, at least on Thursday I can get points for trying.
5 Feet of Dynamite 