The absolute craziest thing happened to us the other day. The girls and I were with my sister at the Polynesian Resort in Disney World. Nick was in Orlando for Odyssey of the Mind stuff so the girls and I drove down to see his kids perform and to hang out with him. All three girls took a nap in the car on the way to Orlando (something so rare that it is worth noting) so I told them that we could all ride the monorail as a reward. Katie happened to be there doing Disney cast member stuff so she met us for dinner, which puts us at the Poly, outside, eating some chicken with pineapple and pulled pork nachos (which were FANTASTIC). Alexa had the nachos in front of her and was munching away listening to Katie and I talk. We had just finished telling the girls that we had something super awesome planned for this evening (again, yay for naps) but we could not do anything fun if we had any fussers. There was to be no complaining and absolutely no crying. As soon as the words left my mouth, we were attacked! A giant black bird swooped down, slammed on the table between myself and Alexa, grabbed a chunk of food off of the nacho plate and then took off flying over Kate’s head, brushing Alexa’s face with it’s wings! It was the craziest shit I have ever seen! Katie and I sat there with our mouths open. All of the people around us stared at us in shock and Kate and Alexa had a look of horror on their faces. When we finally came to our senses, Katie and I looked at each other and then at the girls and told them that it was okay to cry. Alexa immediately burst into tears and Kate jumped out of her chair exclaiming “I’m done eating!”. We threw away the rest of the food and ran inside before any more birds could attack (and so did a couple of the people who were sitting around us). It was something straight out of my nightmares. Those nasty, feathered sky rats have it out for me and my children. They fly together in flocks so that they can plan their next attack. You think I’m crazy but this shit is real!!! Nick would agree with you too, he doesn’t pay attention to half of what I talk about anymore. He says that I give animals too much credit because I think that they communicate with each other and think intelligently but I’m telling you this bird was serious about his attack! So what have we learned from this experience? Birds are evil and you must believe everything Disney World says, which leads me to my PSA of the day. I love Disney World and the revamp of the Polynesian looks amazing, but if Disney tells you to not feed the birds, DO NOT FEED THE DAMN BIRDS!!!!! They will think that everybody’s food is for them and they will attack you and your children!
Tag Archives: Family
A Letter To My Nurse In The ER
You probably don’t remember me, I wouldn’t expect you to. I was the girl who came into the ER 9 weeks pregnant and spotting. Everyone had assured me that they were sure that everything was fine with the baby, especially since I had just had a normal ultrasound a few days ago, but I thought the spotting was strange. We chatted about the hospital that we both work at and you told me that you were a float nurse working in the ER that day…just small talk to fill the empty space during vital signs and assessments. Nick and I actually spent much more time with the doctor, who also assured us that everything should be ok, but maybe let’s do an ultrasound just to put my mind at ease. I knew that something was wrong when the ultrasound took forever and the tech never turned the screen for me to see the baby. The doctor came in our room a few minutes later and told us what I knew in my heart already. Our baby had died. There was no fetal heart beat. He said his condolences and informed us that there was nothing more to be done in the ER, he was sending us home. You came back into the room and after going through the discharge information with me nodding my head and muttering “I understand” what seemed like a thousand times, you leaned over, looked directly into my eyes and said (quite forcefully) “It’s not your fault. You need to know that this is NOT your fault.” I nodded again and after you left the room Nick even made a comment to me about how rough you were. The thing is, that was exactly what I needed. And for some reason, it was you who stayed in my head over the next few days and even after. Practically every person I know told me the exact same thing but for some reason, I believed you.
During the confirmatory ultrasound at my doctor’s office you popped into my head “It’s not your fault”.
As I sat listening to my doctor talk about probable genetic mutations and how often this actually happens, you were there “It’s not your fault”.
Over the course of the next few days, through my D&C and through hours of laying in bed too numb to cry, there you were “It’s not your fault”.
When I went back to work and was literally surrounded by women who were pregnant and due within weeks of my due date, a constant reminder of what I had lost, “It’s not your fault”.
Even after I got pregnant again just two months later. When I thought that being pregnant again was all I wanted and then feeling the guilt of realizing that I wasn’t ready yet, “It’s not your fault”.
At Christmas when my aunt pulled me aside to give me a hug and whisper words of advise that can only come from a woman who has lost a baby herself. When, knowing that I was already pregnant again, I had to smile and say that I was okay before quickly slipping into the bathroom to cry. And then sitting in that bathroom feeling ridiculous for crying over a fetus that was only 9 weeks gestation. There you were again, “It’s not your fault”.
As all of those work girls had their spring babies, “It’s not your fault”.
As I prepared for Lia to be born, “It’s not your fault”.
Even now, as I hold by beautiful, perfect baby in my arms and I breathe in her sweet baby smell, I am overwhelmed with both gratitude and sorrow. For the baby I hold and for the one who was lost. The one that made it possible for Lia to be born. And there you are again. Once more reminding me that it’s not my fault.
Flippin’ Little Dolphins
So, we took Alexa and Kate to the Georgia Aquarium last weekend. We love a good educational “field trip” plus, the girls had a lot of fun. Alexa LOVES any ocean creature so it was super cool for her see and learn about everything. And Kate was on repeat, alternating between “What’s that thing?” and “Fish! Blub, blub, blub” (in music class, they say that a fish says “blub” – I just go with it). Anyway, while we were there, I came to an interesting realization. I don’t like dolphins. Yeah, that’s right. I said it. Those fun loving aquatic mammals that everyone is obsessed with? The animal that would win “most likely sea creature to be tattooed on a 18 year old sorority girl’s hip”? They’re irritating. I feel like they spend their entire lives showing off. And as we were watching the super corny dolphin show, all I could think about was how much I now appreciated the scene in Finding Nemo where Chum (a shark) says this:
Well done, Disney, well done. You know, what’s wrong with a whale or a manatee? Manatees are awesome! They are gentle, they eat a lot of greens and they don’t bother anyone. I assume that in the ocean, when the other wildlife see the dolphins coming, they swim the other way and try to hide. I mean really, who wants to hear someone constantly talk about how fantastic they are, how fast they can swim, how long they can hold their breath, how they hunt in groups? Who cares?! I’m sure that they do the same sort of bragging when they live in an aquarium too. And when that happens, I assume that the other mammals and fish in the aquarium just swim away and shake their heads. They probably talk about them later saying stuff like “What the hell are they bragging about?! Those bitches got caught just like the rest of us!”. Dumbasses. I realize that I have no fact to base this on and that this is purely my perception of what may go on between sea creatures, assuming that they can communicate. But in my small mind, this is what I imagine. I just feel like the hype over dolphins is too big, they steal all of the other sea mammals’ thunder and we should all love manatees.
(I actually wrote this last January but never published it. Alexa still loves all things that are in the ocean but Kate is no longer repeating the word “blub” every time she sees a fish! 🙂 I still do not like dolphins.)
How To Pack A Car (Alone) With 2 Children In 27 Easy Steps
1- A week before your trip, make multiple lists for every possible item you may need.
2- Spend every spare moment you have in that preceding week packing the bags and making new lists.
3- The night before you leave, collect your bags by the door and double check your packing skills. Make a new list of last minute items to be packed in the morning and have yet another bag ready for those things.
4- The morning of your trip, wake up, get the children up and (referring to your final list) pack your last bag. Go ahead and feel really good about yourself right now and take a moment to let that feeling sink in because this will be your best parenting moment of the day. Please notice that your best parenting moment did not include children.
5- Try to take the dog out and realize that it’s starting to rain. Well crap. You will then have to pick the dog up and put her in the grass because she has developed a sudden, irrational fear of water (especially the kind that falls from the sky). Tell her that she’s being ridiculous, that it’s only sprinkling and that she needs to pee now. She does not pee, but turns around the second you put her on the grass and runs back inside.
6- Go put a pee pee pad down on the floor in your bathroom for the dog to pee on.
7- Attempt to stop the 1 year old from unpacking all of your beautifully packed bags that are still sitting by the door.
8- When the 3 year old asks to help, tell her that she can help by watching the 1 year old. (She will then say “OK!” and sit on the floor in your room with the 1 year old to play with her. Appreciate this moment.)
9- Begin carrying the bags out to your car. You will need to take the double stroller, so there will be some strategy in packing the trunk of your little Ford Focus.
10- After you have the stroller and larger bags by the trunk of the car, take a moment to assess the situation and visualize how everything will fit best. About half way through packing the bags into the trunk you will notice a small, chunky baby running out of the garage into the rain…barefoot. And guess who’s running out right behind her? The (apparently miraculously healed of her water phobia) dog. The same dog who was acting as if we had acid rain in North Florida is now chasing after the 1 year old and jumping in puddles like she’s a puppy. Meanwhile, of course the rain starts coming down harder and the bags are getting wet.
11- Screw the systematic approach and throw the rest of the bags into the trunk.
12- Run after the barefoot 1 year old who is now soaked and filthy and is also now running away from you while shrieking with laughter.
13- After you get the 1 year old back into the garage, go back out for the dog who has now apparently gone deaf because she suddenly has no idea what the phrase “Minnie! Get back in the house!!!” means. As you get the dog, be prepared for the 1 year old to try to escape back out into the rain…it will happen.
14- With the dog under one arm and the 1 year old under the other arm, get back into the house where you will find the 3 year old standing in your room. Now here’s where I’m going to save you the trouble because if you ask her: “Alexa, I thought you were going to help Mommy by watching Kate and Minnie” she will answer: “I was watching them and then they walked away from me and I couldn’t see them anymore.” I have no words.
15- Get the baby cleaned up and put shoes on everyone.
16- Pack up some snacks for the car . Look up and realize that it stopped raining (probably as soon as you came inside).
17- Tell everyone that it’s time to get in the car and, with the bags that contain the car toys on your shoulder, try to herd the children through the garage and out to the car.
18- Spend about 5 minutes getting them into their seats and buckled in.
19- Bring the dog back inside. Again. Tell her that she’s not coming this time.
20- Grab your purse and keys, lock the door and get into the car. This is when the 3 year old will ask for a drink…and you realize that her sippy cup is not in the diaper bag.
21- Go back into the house to get the missing sippy cup (which the 1 year old had pulled out of the bag in her attempt to unpack everything).
22- Get back into the car and realize that your phone isn’t plugged into the charger and in the cup holder where you keep it.
23- Search frantically for the phone. Dump out your purse and diaper bag onto the front seat.
24- Go back inside to look for your phone. (you left it on the kitchen counter) On your way out, grab some more snacks.
25- Dump your phone and the snacks onto the front seat in the car and go back into the garage to get a Pepsi out of the fridge (because who the hell thought it was a good idea to wake up at 6:45 so that we could leave as soon as the girls got up?!).
26- Go back into the house at least 3 more times for random items that you either forgot or one of the girls said that they need.
26- Drive to the stop sign at the end of your street where you will suddenly remember 2 more things that you forgot.
27- Keep driving. It’s not worth it.
(June 12, 2014)
What’s For Dinner?
Disclaimer: Nick is a really good husband and father. Seriously. He feeds, bathes and puts Alexa to bed at least three times a week because I am at work or teaching and he’s done a fantastic job so far when he’s been at home by himself with both girls when I’m working on a weekend. He even vacuumed the house last night as I was bathing Lexi. OK, I had to put that out there first. On to my story.
I’m not a good cook. I can follow a recipe just fine but I’m definitely not one of those people who just throws stuff together to form culinary awesomeness. It’s just not something that I enjoy. Dinner never falls very high on my list of priorities and, if it were just me and Alexa eating, she’d have a peanut butter sandwich, I’d have a bowl of dry cereal and everyone would be happy. Now, Nick is different when it comes to dinner. He would love to have a four course meal every night, which obviously doesn’t happen in our house…ever. So, when I was pregnant with Katelyn, one of the things that just irked me to no end was Nick coming home from work (at 4:00…plenty of time left for group decision about what to eat) and asking what was for dinner. At that point, having spent my day entertaining Alexa, cleaning, getting ready for the baby (and usually sleeping), the ‘what’s for dinner’ question just really made me want to inflict some major pain. Or hide in a closet. (Or the more likely scenario: hiding in a closet while dreaming about inflicting pain) I imagined that Nick wanted to come home to me wearing a dress, heels and an apron, preparing this fantastic meal while Alexa was quietly sitting at the table teaching herself calculus. Reality was, obviously, just about the opposite. It was a good day when I was able to even take a shower and Alexa was usually running around like a little crazy girl, and occasionally naked (Alexa, not me. It’s really hard to keep clothes on that kid!).
Shortly before having the baby, I decided that I had had enough. I realized that he was just asking an innocent question, so I had to come up with a way to answer that question without getting anxious, frazzled and mad. My solution: monthly meal plans. For the past three months, I have made a calendar with dinner planned out for each day. At the beginning of the month, we have one big Publix shopping trip and we only go back to the store half way through the month to get milk and fruit. Not only do we always know what’s for dinner, we have saved a lot of money by staying away from the stores. Our meal calendars are posted in the laundry room and on the inside of a kitchen cabinet so everyone knows what’s for dinner all the time.
So, Nick calls me at work the other day, from home, as he is standing in front of the refrigerator and as soon as I answer the phone he says “Hey, what’s for dinner tonight?”. Are you serious? I can’t win.
(July 7, 2013)
Music Class
It’s been awhile, I know. I finally moved to day shift (yay!) which is fantastic for my life but not so great for my blog, since I do most of my blogging from work. Oh well, I suppose I have to find a new (maybe slightly more appropriate) time to write. Also, the switch from night to day shift has been a little less smooth than I anticipated. I want to sleep all the time. Like, even on my days off, I put Alexa to bed and then get in bed myself. I end up falling asleep around 9:00, just to wake up at 4am ready to go. It’s only been 2 weeks so I’m still adjusting. My first week of day shift was OK, there are a lot more people here during the day which is exactly what I don’t like. More people to have to talk to is not my idea of fun. And on top of all the doctors and case workers, etc. there are also tons of med students getting all up in everyone’s business. Which brings me to my next story.
Alexa and I went to music class, as usual, last Friday. She was having one of those kind of days where she’s just a little more crazy then usual. She insisted on wearing her 4th of July fireworks shirt and then on the way to music class she pulled out her pig tails and lost one of the stretchies. She ended up having this crazy pony tail with a center part that was left over from the pig tails plus wearing this ridiculous shirt that is too big on her anyways. She looked just about as crazy as she was acting. So we were sitting in music class and it was time for the drums. Lexi would not stop putting her drum mallet in her mouth so I ended up taking it away from her. I was in the process of shaking it at her and threatening to beat her with it (joking, of course…mostly) when who walks by but one of the doctors I work with accompanied by the slew of med students who had been hanging around the PICU all week. Of course he came up to me to talk for a minute and asked how day shift was (blah, blah, blah). Meanwhile I told Alexa to say ‘hi’ and handed the mallet back to her (in the most gentle, non-threatening way I knew how). The whole time with 10 med students just standing there watching us. Perfect. So then I suppose Alexa thought that she already hit crazy, she might as well just go with it. (After the small entourage of doctors left – thank God) She started pulling her shirt over her head and walking around with the front of it over her face, laughing. Then, she took off the whole shirt, put her hands on her hips and walked around the room saying “I’m naked! I’m naked!”. Imagine about 15 mothers, plus the teacher, sitting in a circle singing songs while their babies are either on their laps or playing in the center of the circle. And then there’s my kid. Half naked strutting around proclaiming and celebrating her nudity. After two attempts to put her shirt back on (it quickly came off again), and tucking it into her pants (that didn’t work either), I picked her up and we had a little discussion in the hallway about how if she doesn’t act like a big girl, we aren’t coming back to music class again. She nodded and said “Shexa big girl’. The other mothers were smiling and chuckling at her but I know that they were thinking ‘Oh, thank God my kid isn’t acting like that’. Alexa did act like a big girl for what was left of the class (about 5 minutes) and we had another talk this past Friday before leaving for our class. Oh, and this week, she wore a onesie.
(August 11, 2012)
Crazy, Just Crazy
I am eventually going to post pictures of our Disney trip (maybe even tonight, if I get motivated) but first I must tell you about my crazy day with my crazy child and my crazy dogs. First of all, Wolfie isn’t doing to hot. He has some back problems and now he’s developed some anxiety. Yeah, that’s right, the dog has anxiety. Now, normally I would tell him to suck it up and get over it except that his form of anxiety manifests as a high pitched whinny cry that pierces your soul and is never ending. When you are trying to sleep, you will do anything to make that stop. Trust me. That being said, while I sleep, Wolfie is now allowed to roam the house at his leisure instead of going in the crate with the girls. So I woke up this afternoon, an hour earlier than I wanted to (this is of course after getting up to pee three times because of all the Pepsi I drank at work trying to stay awake through the night) irritated that the one day I can sleep in a little bit, I wake up at 1:30. Whatever. So I get up, clean up Wolfie’s pee off the floor (I’m not going to even get into that), and take the dogs out. Of course Wolfie won’t go outside so I have to pick him up and put him on the grass where he proceeds to lay down. Fine, obviously you don’t have to pee since you did it already on my wood floors. He lays there until the girls are done and then finally decides to walk around a little bit and do his business. So we stay outside longer. Finally, 15 minutes later, after we all were ready to go back inside, I was able to take a shower and get ready. I left to pick up Alexa from day care and returned home to find poop on one of the area rugs. I was gone for about 20 minutes total. I’m not going to get into how I know it was Wolfie poop but let’s just say I have my ways. The next hour and a half was full of making dinner, eating dinner, getting dressed for work and playing with Alexa/trying to keep her occupied so she will quit screaming like a banshee. After dinner, we went outside with the dogs. Everything was fine until it was time to go inside. Of course that was the point where Alexa decided that she wanted to ride in her car or throw a ball or do anything else that I said ‘no’ to. I’d be herding the dogs to the door, I’d get Alexa almost to the door and then she’d run to something else that she wanted to play with. I tell her no, she throws a fit, I drag her to the door again, repeat, repeat, repeat. Meanwhile, Wolfie now decided (of course) that it was a nice time to take a walk by the woods. You have got to be kidding me. Let’s all now think back to that wonderful bear we had about 6 months ago which was never actually caught, which I imagine is sitting just beyond my field of vision waiting to pounce on and eat whatever small creature happens to be walking by. (Hey, I never said that I didn’t have issues too) So, of course now my priority is Wolfie (who, by the way, I need two hands to carry because of his back) and of course I never got Alexa close enough to the door to actually get her in the house. I run to go pick up Wolfie and Alexa runs to the swing. The whole time looking at me and shreiking with laughter. I loose it, and start screaming that every living creature in this yard better get their butts into the house NOW! (slight paraphrase) Eventually, everyone got inside, Alexa and I got into the car and I was able to drop her off to Nick who was still at work. During the whole walk to Nick’s room, Alexa and I worked on stopping, going and listening to Mommy. And I also decided that no one is allowed to chase her around the house for fun saying ‘I’m gonna get you!’ anymore. It’s banned.
On a lighter note, Alexa and I are going to a 31 party on Thursday with all of the women in the subdivision we live in. I’m kind of excited to meet some of our neighbors but I’m mostly terrified of having to actually talk to people I don’t know. In any kind of social situation you can pretty much say good bye to nice, kind of funny, sarcastic and witty Kristin and say hello to silent, awkward Kristin. And without Nick to hide behind, it will be ten times worse. At least Alexa is coming with me. She’s a good excuse to have to leave if need be. I can almost hear my mom asking me “Kristin, did you make any friends today?!” No, mom, I didn’t. Well, at least on Thursday I can get points for trying.
‘How to put up an above ground pool’ by Nick and Kristin (mostly Nick)
I love pools. LOVE THEM. To the point that when we were living in Davie, pretty much every day I had off, I was at the pool. Needless to say, living in Crawfordville, I’ve been in a little bit of a pool shock. I complain about it all the time. So my mom and Nick were at Target the other day and saw a 12 foot pool on an end cap for $32! That’s right, you heard me, only thirty two dollars!!! So anyway, on Tuesday we finally had time to assemble the pool. For step by step instructions, please see below.
Before you begin, make sure you kill the grass that will be under your pool. You can do this by any means necessary including but not limited to killer bug spray, bleach in a spray bottle or actual grass killer. (I’ll go ahead and save you some time and advise you to just get it over with and buy the damn grass killer…trust me.) Once your grass has turned sufficiently brown, select a date and time to set up your pool. Apparently the best time to do this is in the heat of the day, when it’s about 110 degrees outside.
OK, step 1: Make a crop circle. Or in our case, a crop egg. This can most easily be done with a riding lawn mower. You know when it’s the right size when you walk outside to find your husband riding in circles laughing his crazy evil laugh! At this point, just go ahead and tell him to stop.
Step 2: Take the huge roll of plastic that you had origionally intended to be the worlds largest slip-n-slide and cut it to fit in your crop circle. (Sorry about the slip-n-slide, Katie. 😦 I’m sure we can get another super long roll of plastic)
Step 3: Get an increadably small amount of sand and spread it around on top of the plastic to try to level out the ground.
Step 4: Have a long, heated debate with your spouse regarding previously mentioned sand and how, while the concept is good, we are actually doing nothing to level the ground. One can even argue that it made it worse.
Step 5: Lay the pool on top of the plastic/sand combination and according to the instructions, let it sit in the sun. No worries, because you are doing this in the heat of the day, it will only take about 30 seconds for the pool to get almost too hot to touch.
Step 6: Put together the top PVC-like things for the frame of the pool. The last one will be hard to get together but as the instruction manual states: “You can do it!”
Step 7: Attach the leg pieces.
Step 8: Fill with water. Note: at this point feel free to let your baby splash around in the actively filling pool with her clothes on. Why not, right?
(July 21, 2011)
5 Feet of Dynamite 