I promise this will be the last Disney Princess post for awhile.  But this is what the previous princess post would have included had it not been so long.

Most of the time, when I am thinking about something that I want to write about on my blog, I bring it up in conversation with my sister to see how she reacts.  Most of the time my posts are mini versions of 45 minute conversations that we have while I’m driving home from work.  The princess post is no exception…except that half of it was left out.  The awesome half.  Disclaimer: If you don’t want to read about princesses taking out other princesses, just stop right now.  While discussing the strengths of Pocahontas, I said that I w

ould love to see Pocahontas and Mulan in a cage fight.  The conversation quickly turned to who would kick who’s ass fighting cage fight style until Katie had the most brilliant idea ever.  She said:  “Oh my God!  What if all the princesses were in the Hunger Games?!”

Obviously, we are going Hunger Games 1 style with the cornucopia.  Everyone must be in their natural forms (that means no turning into a frog and hiding in a swamp, Tiana).  No weapons or animal friends are allowed to enter the arena with the princess, but as in the Hunger Games, there will be helpful items at the cornucopia.  Elsa is not participating because she would just freeze everyone right away and win. And what fun is that?  So.  Let’s begin.  May the odds be ever in your favor!

OK, so Ariel is obviously the first to go.  I don’t know if she comes up into the arena in a tank of water or just sitting on the ground but either way she would probably wave excitedly at the other girls right before Pocahontas harpoons her ass.  I like to think that the Gamemakers put the harpoon by Pokey just for entertainment purposes.  Upset by Ariel being the first out?  Don’t be.  As one of Katie’s friends put it: Let’s face it, she was a sitting duck…or fish.  Thank you, Kara.  OK, now that Ariel is impaled, the other girls get running.  More timid princesses to the woods, bad ass bitches to the cornucopia.  Just for argument’s sake, we are going to assume that Jasmine, Pokey, Mulan and Merida are careers and have formed an alliance.  They are the ones that go to the cornucopia, they are the ones that everyone else is running from.  They thought about letting Tiana into their little group.  (You know, so that they could cover all ethnic backgrounds.)  But they decided that she didn’t have much to offer in terms of hard core combat skills.  Anyway, back to the games.  Cindy and Belle are the next to go.  Cindy can’t run very well due to her lack of toes so Belle and Anna try to help her.  Cindy goes down first which causes Belle to stare in horror (and then fall herself) and Anna to run away (What? She’s Norwegian.  And, while idealistic, she’s pretty fiesty.).

Snow White and Aurora decide to stick together.  They discovered in training that they both share a love for the woods and animals.  And also that they both have names that nobody (or very few people) actually know.  I’m sure Aurora finds it highly irritating that people think her actual name is Sleeping Beauty and is Snow White’s real name Snow White?!  Who does that to their kid?  OK, so they hang out for a little bit and then Snow finds some awesome looking fruit which she insists on trying and guess what…they’re poisonous.  Aurora walks away shaking her head and muttering that Snow never learns her lessons and walks right into a bush full of needle-like thorns.  Damn it, Aurora.

Are you wondering what happened to Anna?  Well after the careers got Cindy and Belle, she thought about it a little bit more and decided that if she could just talk to the BAB’s (bad ass bitches) she could convince them to all work together and save Arendelle.  I mean the Hunger Games.  Yeah, that didn’t work out to well for her.

Tiana is next to go.  She finds what she thinks is a swamp but it’s actually the bank of a river.  And guess who was coming just around the river bend?  That’s right.  Our favorite Native American and her weapon wielding friends, Mulan and Merida.  We are assuming that the cornucopia had a canoe, swords and a bow and arrow.  There’s no competition between that and a girl wading in the water.

Speaking of the cornucopia.  Jasmine got stuck guarding it when the other BABs realized that she’s not much use without her tiger.  Unfortunately for her, there was a tiger there.  Jasmine thought it was Rajah, so after the other girls left in their canoe, she opened the cage and gave him a big hug.  It wasn’t Rajah.

Rapunzel, having watched all of that from high up in the nearby trees, decided that it was time to pick out her own weapon and get something to eat.  She looted the now unguarded cornucopia, taking all the available food and of course, a frying pan.  She ate extremely well that night but didn’t quite realize that the wonderful smell of her cooking (and campfire) would give away her location.  She put up a pretty good fight with the frying pan but in the end, Merida’s long range with the bow and arrow took her out.

When the BAB’s realized they were the only one’s left, they obviously turned on each other.  Mulan and Merida brought down Pokey because they no longer needed her canoe rowing or navigational skills.  As for the last two, I can’t decide who would win.  Mulan has a sword and combat experience while Merida has a bow and arrow and you can’t deny the fact that she’s wrestled with a bear.  I don’t know.  I think Merida might win.  What do you think?

(April 21, 2014)

I’ve recently noticed a trend of links on facebook, etc. about the horrors of the Disney Princesses and how some people are adamant about not wanting their daughters to idolize them.  As someone who grew up with Disney and the princesses (at least the old school ones) and as a mother of a three year old who is 100% obsessed with Rapunzel, I’m going to go ahead and say that they’re not that bad.  And before I even start, I’m going to give the disclaimer that I didn’t see Brave or Frozen yet (although I heard that Frozen is fantastic and I’m super excited to see it…when it comes out on DVD…because I’m too cheap to see it in a theater), so I can not give a true opinion on those girls (I hear that they are all bad asses!).

Yes, I know that they all find their prince and fall in love, blah blah blah.  Every princess story is a love story (or at least has a component of love story in it).  But really, what’s wrong with a love story as long as it’s a strong woman who is falling in love?!  And people can be strong in different ways.  Trust me.  I grew up surrounded by strong women.  On both sides of my family and with most of our family friends, the women are in charge.  Not that the men are push overs…it’s good to have an intellectual argument…as long as you know, in the end, that I (being the woman) am going to win.  They do it in different ways.  Sometimes it’s super obvious who is making all the decisions and other times (this is my favorite kind) it’s done with a quiet sarcasm that you wouldn’t even notice unless you were paying very close attention.  Thanks to my mom and all of those other positive female influences, I grew up knowing the order of life (go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, put furniture in that house – and then you can have a baby) and I knew that if I felt that domestic life was not for me, it was OK because “I do not need a man to validate myself as a person!”  I’m getting off track here.  Back to the princesses.  While, I admit that some of them are a little odd, each of them definitely have some kick ass skills (except for one, but I’ll get to her later).  So.  From the beginning…

Snow White – OK, so these early princesses are a little bit demur for my liking.  But if you think about it, Snow White does make it through the forest so she has to have some pretty decent survival skills.  She can talk to animals, which is always a plus.  I mean, I suppose anyone can talk to an animal.  But in her case, the animals listen and obey.  If I could get some deer and rabbits to help me clean my house, I’d be all about it.  The birds can stay out.  She lives with 7 men.  At first you may think it’s some weird reversed polygamy type of thing where the woman has multiple husbands.  But then you realize that she may be all about helping out little people, which is an awesome little philanthropic effort she has going on.  She can reach things on the top shelves so that Dopey doesn’t have to sit on Happy’s shoulders all the time.  Really, her only downfall is that she ate an apple from a stranger.   Really?!  Who does that?!

Cinderella – Again, Cinderella is not my one of my favorites.  She obviously has no toes which is why she can never keep shoes on her feet.  I’m surprised that she can make it up all of those stairs to her room.  But does she let a strange (probably genetic) deformity stop her?  No.  She pretty much runs the household because her lazy ass stepmother and stepsisters are worthless.  And organization is a good quality to have.  You can’t get all of that work done without a system and you can’t be a bad ass princess without being organized.  She also has animals that do her bidding, which seems to be a common theme in these early princess movies.  Her animals friends are mostly mice and birds, which is weird and creepy, but I guess beggars can’t be choosers when it comes to free tailoring.  She is smart enough to keep the one shoe that actually stays on her foot.  And in the end, she pretty much gets to bitch slap her stepmother and stepsisters.

Aurora – Aurora has those typical early princess qualities of being an animal whisperer and knowing which berries in the forest won’t kill you.  She has an awesome singing voice which she uses to her advantage.  (And there is nothing wrong with knowing your assets.)  I think it’s strange that she never thought it was weird that she lived in a little cottage with three middle aged women, but, I suppose if she never knew anything else, she wouldn’t know to question it.

Ariel – OK.  So I used to really like Ariel…until I started thinking about this post.  I seriously can’t think of a good, positive quality that Ariel possesses.  First of all, she’s way to young to be falling in love, running away from home and most importantly, getting married.  Aurora was 16 too, but at least she didn’t get married right away (right?).  Anyways, back to Ariel.  You could say that she’s adventurous, which is true, but it sometimes comes off as defiant.  She wants to do the right thing, even though it’s not the status quo.  And she saves a human from drowning, which I appreciate her being kind to a species that is not her own.  (There.  A good quality)  But she gives up her greatest asset (her voice) without even being prepared.  No sign language, no pen and paper, nothing.  I do like that she’s a red head and that she’s ballsy enough to rock the sea shell bra.

Belle – One of my favorites!!!  She’s a reader, she sacrifices her own well being to free her father and she is not too entirely freaked out by inanimate objects talking to her.  She totally stands up to the Beast and even yells at him from time to time.  Plus, she falls in love with him despite his scary exterior.  I want to be her.  Minus the lifetime imprisonment.

Jasmine – I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t seen Aladdin (or Pochahontas) in years.  Jasmine really stepped up the whole animal friendship thing by having a pet tiger.  I feel like that fact alone makes her a real bad-ass.  And she doesn’t even have any disfiguring tiger bite scars!  She wears pants, which is cool.  And, I’m pretty sure that even though the pants are billowy, she’s got some hips.  Just like Belle, she falls in love with someone who is not typical prince material.  Except this time, instead of ugly and rich, she goes for cute and homeless.  She seems pretty independent, so I’m assuming she made Aladdin sign a pre-nump (which obviously would give her all rights to any magic lamps, genies and flying carpets).

Pocahontas – I feel like if the princesses had a fitness competition, Pocahontas would win, hands down.  When you row that much in a canoe, you have to be building up some major upper body strength.  Pocahontas is cool because she can totally survive completely on her own.  She wants to make her own decisions about who she should marry and what she should do with her life.  I feel like if Disney were to remake the Pocahontas movie, it should be full of Beyonce songs.  And Just Around the River Bend.  You can’t take that out.

Mulan –  OK, Mulan.  Weird, awkward and doesn’t fit in.  Already I like her.  She cross-dresses and goes to war, which, I admit, the cross dressing is strange.  But she gets to carry a sword and ends up proving herself to be one of the most bad-ass princesses there is.  Bonus!  She ends up getting the guy that is much hotter than any other guy in the movie and she does so by being her true bad-ass self!

Tiana – Tiana is all about working hard to get what you want, which is awesome because even as a princess, things are not just handed to you.  Yes, she spends some time as a frog but it helps her to find a prince, so I guess it’s worth it.  Also, in addition to being a great cook, she’s a decent business woman.  No complaints.

Rapunzel – Oh Rapunzel.  Locked up in a tower for 18 years and instead of sitting on her ass, she reads, paints, plays guitar, knits, cooks, does puzzles, plays darts, bakes, does paper mache, ballet, chess, pottery, ventriloquy, makes candles, stretches, climbs, and sews dresses (can you tell I’ve seen this movie a couple thousand times?).  She’s essentially the biggest overachiever I’ve seen.  She’s super creative and I love that her weapon of choice is a frying pan.  She stands up to the bitch that kidnapped her and ends up trying to sacrifice herself for someone she loves.  It looks like Flynn is saving her, but she is most definitely saving him.  Talk about independence.  Plus, she can totally pull off both the blonde and brunette looks…very hard to do.

So, essentially, if Alexa and Kate want to be like the Disney princesses, I’m all about it!

(January 6, 2014)

I was just searching the internet for a picture of Tinkerbell with a big cross or X through her. You know, to further illustrate for you my dislike. And let me tell you, I have found my people!!! Apparently there is a whole anti-Tinkerbell movement. Well maybe that’s a slight exaggeration. But still. There is a facebook page that you could ‘like’ with a description that says some thing like ‘why the obsession with Tinkerbell when she’s not even a real princess?!’ Exactly!!! I personally think that she is a dirty whore. What? You think this is a family blog?! I talk about boobs here, I think I can use the words dirty whore. Especially when they’re true. Seriously, is that the kind of role model you want for your kid?! She steals Minnie’s thunder (with all the merchandise they sell with her on it), she hardly has any clothes on and she totally tries to sabotage Peter and Wendy’s relationship. Well…maybe not, but still. I’m still not clapping my hands for that bitch! And you can make fun of me for feeling so strongly about a fictional Disney character but I don’t really care. One website even cautioned against getting a Tinkerbell tattoo because it’s associated with drug use. See, these are the type of people who like Tinkerbell…druggies! By the way, I love Peter Pan, it’s one of my favorite Disney movies. I think he was the first red head I’ve ever loved. Haha. But anyways, it’s just that nasty Tinkerbell who I don’t like. Hayley told me she was going to save the 3-4 year old ballet Tinkerbell song she has for when Alexa is in her class. I told her that I’d take her out and bring her to the other dance studio. She laughed and thought I was kidding…not so much! Here’s a picture of Alexa’s princess bath toys with Tink facing the correct way…at the wall.
Hahaha, I hope you’ve enjoyed my crazy Tinkerbell rantings. This is the craziness that occurs at 5am….two hours left until I get to go home.

(October 5, 2011)