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The Bulletin Board

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OK, so they have this bulletin board at work where they talk about the staff.  There’s a little paragraph or two about where the nurse/secretary/PCA grew up, went to school, hobbies, why you like working in Peds, etc.  And then each person has a picture by their little summary thing.  (Well, most people have a picture.  There’s one picture that makes me feel slightly uncomfortable and another one that has a picture of the beach…no person, just the beach.)  This board is right in the middle of a wall between Peds and the PICU so it’s there for everyone (patients, families, everyone) to see.  When asked the “why do you like working in pediatrics?” question, every one’s answer is something like “I love working with kids” or “my coworkers are great and I love the kids” or “little kids are so sweet and innocent” or “any time I can get even a small smile out of a child, it makes my day.”  (yes, I got up just now to make sure that I got that all right)  Anyway, so I was joking around last weekend about how they would never put me up on that wall because they’d be afraid of how I would answer the questions.  For example, if asked why I enjoyed working in pediatrics, I would answer that, given the choice, I’d much rather clean up baby poop than adult poop.  Now, that’s an honest answer.  Well, now wouldn’t you know that on Monday morning, one of the leadership people asked if she could interview me for the board?!?!  First of all, this person works day shift in the out patient area so I have spoken to her a total of about 2 times (including my little ‘interview’).  And I’m about 99% sure that she asked about me (mostly who I was, but also if I was married, had kids, etc) before this so called interview.  I have my sources.  Anyway, she interviewed me at7 in the morning after I had just worked all night (without much sleep the day before) and was exhausted so the filter was way off.  Plus, she asked me all these questions in the middle of the nurses station with both the night shift and oncoming day shift nurses (who I happen to really like) there so I felt the need to make small comments after each of my answers.  For example, when asked where I grew up I answered “Hollywood, Florida” and then proceeded to do a single handed raising of the roof while singing in my ghetto voice “Holly-hood!”  See?  Filter off.  I couldn’t help myself.  It was my musical turrets.  It’s hereditary, right Katie?  I think I did OK with the middle questions about school and stuff.  I told her about how I danced in a company in college and how I teach now.  I talked about competition but I don’t think she really got it.  Then came the question I was waiting for!  She asked me why I enjoyed working in peds and I answered, without hesitation, that given the choice, I’d much rather clean up baby poop than adult poop.  She stared at me.  Courtney and Catherine laughed.  She asked me what I wanted the board to say and I told her to write something about how kids are wonderful and I work with awesome people but right as I was answering, Courtney said “no, she said the poop thing, that’s what you should write!”  Then Courtney (she used to work night shift) said that I was really funny so my interviewer wrote on her paper “funny”.  So, needless to say, I’m pretty excited for the new board to come out.  Oh, and she also asked me to email her a picture of myself and tonight, as I was looking for one, I discovered that there are none.  At least none in the past four or five years where I don’t look like a complete idiot.  Most of the recent pictures of me include Alexa:

 Or, they are of Katie and I acting like a bunch of fools:
 Or, Katie and I trying to be pretty (while wearing other people’s mickey hats…sorry Lauren):
 Or, we take pictures to bring attention to serious issues.  For example, this picture, which clearly demonstrates the many dangers of under aged driving:
 There is the random picture of me posing with objects (not shown is me with flowers (which happen to be a great example of my best friend’s wedding colors), me with random pieces of food and me with various Christmas presents…I like the croquet mallet picture the best):
 And then there is this one, which I still consider to be one of my finest moments and pretty much the best picture ever taken (slight exaggeration):
In conclusion, I have decided that my little personal summary thing is either going to be highly offensive to others or an extreme misrepresentation of me.  It could go either way.  Oh, and also, I need to have her take a picture of me because I don’t think they will approve of my options and I refuse to have a random beach scene as my photo.
(May 7, 2012)

Crazy, Just Crazy

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I am eventually going to post pictures of our Disney trip (maybe even tonight, if I get motivated) but first I must tell you about my crazy day with my crazy child and my crazy dogs.  First of all, Wolfie isn’t doing to hot.  He has some back problems and now he’s developed some anxiety.  Yeah, that’s right, the dog has anxiety.  Now, normally I would tell him to suck it up and get over it except that his form of anxiety manifests as a high pitched whinny cry that pierces your soul and is never ending.  When you are trying to sleep, you will do anything to make that stop.  Trust me.  That being said, while I sleep, Wolfie is now allowed to roam the house at his leisure instead of going in the crate with the girls.  So I woke up this afternoon, an hour earlier than I wanted to (this is of course after getting up to pee three times because of all the Pepsi I drank at work trying to stay awake through the night) irritated that the one day I can sleep in a little bit, I wake up at 1:30.  Whatever.  So I get up, clean up Wolfie’s pee off the floor (I’m not going to even get into that), and take the dogs out.  Of course Wolfie won’t go outside so I have to pick him up and put him on the grass where he proceeds to lay down.  Fine, obviously you don’t have to pee since you did it already on my wood floors.  He lays there until the girls are done and then finally decides to walk around a little bit and do his business.  So we stay outside longer.  Finally, 15 minutes later, after we all were ready to go back inside, I was able to take a shower and get ready.  I left to pick up Alexa from day care and returned home to find poop on one of the area rugs.  I was gone for about 20 minutes total.  I’m not going to get into how I know it was Wolfie poop but let’s just say I have my ways.  The next hour and a half was full of making dinner, eating dinner, getting dressed for work and playing with Alexa/trying to keep her occupied so she will quit screaming like a banshee.  After dinner, we went outside with the dogs.  Everything was fine until it was time to go inside.  Of course that was the point where Alexa decided that she wanted to ride in her car or throw a ball or do anything else that I said ‘no’ to.  I’d be herding the dogs to the door, I’d get Alexa almost to the door and then she’d run to something else that she wanted to play with.  I tell her no, she throws a fit, I drag her to the door again, repeat, repeat, repeat.  Meanwhile, Wolfie now decided (of course) that it was a nice time to take a walk by the woods.  You have got to be kidding me.  Let’s all now think back to that wonderful bear we had about 6 months ago which was never actually caught, which I imagine is sitting just beyond my field of vision waiting to pounce on and eat whatever small creature happens to be walking by.  (Hey, I never said that I didn’t have issues too)  So, of course now my priority is Wolfie (who, by the way, I need two hands to carry because of his back) and of course I never got Alexa close enough to the door to actually get her in the house.  I run to go pick up Wolfie and Alexa runs to the swing.  The whole time looking at me and shreiking with laughter.  I loose it, and start screaming that every living creature in this yard better get their butts into the house NOW!  (slight paraphrase) Eventually, everyone got inside, Alexa and I got into the car and I was able to drop her off to Nick who was still at work.  During the whole walk to Nick’s room, Alexa and I worked on stopping, going and listening to Mommy.  And I also decided that no one is allowed to chase her around the house for fun saying ‘I’m gonna get you!’ anymore.  It’s banned.

On a lighter note, Alexa and I are going to a 31 party on Thursday with all of the women in the subdivision we live in.  I’m kind of excited to meet some of our neighbors but I’m mostly terrified of having to actually talk to people I don’t know.  In any kind of social situation you can pretty much say good bye to nice, kind of funny, sarcastic and witty Kristin and say hello to silent, awkward Kristin.  And without Nick to hide behind, it will be ten times worse.  At least Alexa is coming with me.  She’s a good excuse to have to leave if need be.  I can almost hear my mom asking me “Kristin, did you make any friends today?!”  No, mom, I didn’t.  Well, at least on Thursday I can get points for trying.

(April 3, 2011)

Disney World

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We went to Orlando last weekend which means that we went to Disney last weekend too.  It’s fantastic having a sister that works at Disney (even though she won’t let me see her office).  Actually, she might be moving her office to a room that has a window (big times!) and she might even sit by that window.  To top all of that off, this window that we are speaking of can be viewed by guests who are on the Back Lot Tour ride at Hollywood Studios.  Like, the tram goes right by the window and you can see in there and Katie will have to wave at you if she makes eye contact.  I told her the day that she moves to that desk I will spend the whole day (after she gets me into the park for free…obviously) on that ride just so I can see her desk and wave to her.  All day long.  I might even have all our family members ride also in staggered groups so that every twenty minutes when a tram goes by her window, there will be someone waving obnoxiously at her.  Hmmmmm…good plan.  Anyway, back to Disney World.  Both Katie and I have friends who are going there in the past few weeks and it’s very interesting to see how people take their Disney vacation.  In our family, it was all buisness.  My parents sacrificed other things so that we would be able to go to Disney in the first place.  We definately would not stay on property (unless we were camping at Fort Wilderness) and we always got the talk about how we are not going to be grumpy and how we are going to have a good time and everyone is going to be happy (like it or not).  Being in a park with my family is pretty equivalent to running a marathon.  The goal is to ride every ride at least once.  You will get to the rides quickly and efficiently.  You will not complain.  While we are waiting in line for one ride, we are mapping out our route to the next ride (and planning for the rest of the day).  Parades?  We don’t do that.  3:00 is for riding any (or all) of the mountains.  As for food, you can split a meal with a sibling and drink water out of the water fountain.  It’s exhausting and it’s awesome.  You’re jealous.  Being that this is how I grew up, I find it hilarious that people want to do things like people watching and taking naps.  There are no naps allowed.  Nap in the stroller (on the way to the next ride).  I also find it interesting that now that I’m not paying for my tickets anymore, I don’t feel all the pressure to hit every single attraction.  We went to Animal Kingdom on Thursday because Katie got an extra day off of work.  Alexa got to pet the goats and pigs and we went through one of the trails so that she could see some birds.  Then on Friday we went to Epcot to see the fish in the Seas Pavillion and we walked around the World Showcase while Alexa was sleeping, saw our friends’ band play and went on the boat ride in the Land.  All very relaxed and layed back.  It was kind of nice, for a change.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I still think my family’s way of doing Disney is the best way there is.  But I can now appreciate how someone might want to do it a little differently (and less psychotic).

(March 28, 2012)

Someone Get That Girl a Corndog, STAT!!!

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So I was on Pinterest today, which is one of my new favorite websites to go on. Anyway, I cameacross this pin that was probably one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen. Here it is:

Wrong. Are you freaking kidding me?!?! That is such bullshit. I have been both skinny and chunker(just ask Katie about my triple chin ‘fat Kristin’ years) for my size so I feel like I’m in a good position to call bullshit on this pin. First of all, there are lots of things that taste better than skinny feels. Lots. Shall we name a few?! Brownies, ice cream, bread, pasta, peanut butter balls, cheese, pepperoni, tacos, any breakfast food. I could go on and on. Second, did you look at the girl in the picture?! Whoever thinks they are going to be able to look like that (and thinks it looks good) is delusional. My thighs haven’t been that thin since I was 3 months old, and I am completely OK with that. I don’t need to wear a little bikini to the beach, I’m perfectly happy in my skirt bathing suit. She looks anorexic. This is like the poster-pin for the FATS (Future Anorexic Teenager Society). Wouldn’t it be hilarious if there was actually a group called the FATS?! I may have to try to start one. hehe. OK, off topic. I just can’t get over how someone would look at this and honestly find motivation in it without making themselves feel like crap. Obviously you are never going to look like her. She is barely a real person! Whatever happened to feeling comfortable in your own body and having a positive self image? What happened to exercising and eating right (not that I eat right at all) to get to your own personal ideal body weight? All I have to say is that whoever came up with this phrase obviously has never had a peppermint chocolate chip milkshake from Chick-fil-A.

(December 14, 2011)

That crazy bitch…Tinkerbell, who did you think I meant?!

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I was just searching the internet for a picture of Tinkerbell with a big cross or X through her. You know, to further illustrate for you my dislike. And let me tell you, I have found my people!!! Apparently there is a whole anti-Tinkerbell movement. Well maybe that’s a slight exaggeration. But still. There is a facebook page that you could ‘like’ with a description that says some thing like ‘why the obsession with Tinkerbell when she’s not even a real princess?!’ Exactly!!! I personally think that she is a dirty whore. What? You think this is a family blog?! I talk about boobs here, I think I can use the words dirty whore. Especially when they’re true. Seriously, is that the kind of role model you want for your kid?! She steals Minnie’s thunder (with all the merchandise they sell with her on it), she hardly has any clothes on and she totally tries to sabotage Peter and Wendy’s relationship. Well…maybe not, but still. I’m still not clapping my hands for that bitch! And you can make fun of me for feeling so strongly about a fictional Disney character but I don’t really care. One website even cautioned against getting a Tinkerbell tattoo because it’s associated with drug use. See, these are the type of people who like Tinkerbell…druggies! By the way, I love Peter Pan, it’s one of my favorite Disney movies. I think he was the first red head I’ve ever loved. Haha. But anyways, it’s just that nasty Tinkerbell who I don’t like. Hayley told me she was going to save the 3-4 year old ballet Tinkerbell song she has for when Alexa is in her class. I told her that I’d take her out and bring her to the other dance studio. She laughed and thought I was kidding…not so much! Here’s a picture of Alexa’s princess bath toys with Tink facing the correct way…at the wall.
Hahaha, I hope you’ve enjoyed my crazy Tinkerbell rantings. This is the craziness that occurs at 5am….two hours left until I get to go home.

(October 5, 2011)

‘How to put up an above ground pool’ by Nick and Kristin (mostly Nick)

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I love pools. LOVE THEM. To the point that when we were living in Davie, pretty much every day I had off, I was at the pool. Needless to say, living in Crawfordville, I’ve been in a little bit of a pool shock. I complain about it all the time. So my mom and Nick were at Target the other day and saw a 12 foot pool on an end cap for $32! That’s right, you heard me, only thirty two dollars!!! So anyway, on Tuesday we finally had time to assemble the pool. For step by step instructions, please see below.

Before you begin, make sure you kill the grass that will be under your pool. You can do this by any means necessary including but not limited to killer bug spray, bleach in a spray bottle or actual grass killer. (I’ll go ahead and save you some time and advise you to just get it over with and buy the damn grass killer…trust me.) Once your grass has turned sufficiently brown, select a date and time to set up your pool. Apparently the best time to do this is in the heat of the day, when it’s about 110 degrees outside.

OK, step 1: Make a crop circle. Or in our case, a crop egg. This can most easily be done with a riding lawn mower. You know when it’s the right size when you walk outside to find your husband riding in circles laughing his crazy evil laugh! At this point, just go ahead and tell him to stop.

Step 2: Take the huge roll of plastic that you had origionally intended to be the worlds largest slip-n-slide and cut it to fit in your crop circle. (Sorry about the slip-n-slide, Katie. 😦 I’m sure we can get another super long roll of plastic)

Step 3: Get an increadably small amount of sand and spread it around on top of the plastic to try to level out the ground.

Step 4: Have a long, heated debate with your spouse regarding previously mentioned sand and how, while the concept is good, we are actually doing nothing to level the ground. One can even argue that it made it worse.

Step 5: Lay the pool on top of the plastic/sand combination and according to the instructions, let it sit in the sun. No worries, because you are doing this in the heat of the day, it will only take about 30 seconds for the pool to get almost too hot to touch.

Step 6: Put together the top PVC-like things for the frame of the pool. The last one will be hard to get together but as the instruction manual states: “You can do it!”

Step 7: Attach the leg pieces.

Step 8: Fill with water. Note: at this point feel free to let your baby splash around in the actively filling pool with her clothes on. Why not, right?

(July 21, 2011)

My Personal Issue With Taylor Swift

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Since I’ve been staying home from work with Alexa, I usually have the tv on low just to have something to listen to or watch while she’s eating or whatever. I have come to the realization that I don’t like Taylor Swift. I have no problems with her in general as a person and I pretty much like her music. Watching her perform makes me want to vomit. I don’t understand why, but when she sings she feels the need to stand with her feet super far apart. I mean, ridiculously far apart. There must be at least 2 1/2 to 3 feet between her feet. If she peed as she was singing, there would be no wetness on her legs at all. I don’t understand it. I’m so distracted by her stance that I don’t even know what song she’s singing. All I can think about is how uncomfortable it must be to stand like that. It’s actually quite impressive, if you think about it. She’s doing this in heels. I would definitely fall over. I mean, there has to be a reason behind it, right? So as I’m watching her perform all the reasons of why her legs are so far apart are running through my head. Maybe her underwear were riding up and she couldn’t pick her wedgie before going on stage. Maybe she’s having a little sweating problem and wants to air everything out. Maybe she wore jean shorts to Disney World the day before and she’s experiencing some chafing (I can totally sympathize with that one). Maybe she just wants to feel what it would be like to stand without her thighs touching at all. Maybe she made a bet with her friend that she could make it though a whole song with her legs that far apart without falling. The possibilities are endless. I thought it was just a one time thing that she did on the Today Show. Nope. A few days later she had the same stance on Ellen. So anyway, when I saw it for the second time, I really couldn’t handle it anymore and I officially don’t like her now. Maybe one of her stylist/publicist/choreographers told her to stand like that. That person should be fired. Maybe that person told her to stand like that as a joke just to see if she’d do it, in which case that person is awesome. And that is my story of why I have an issue with Taylor Swift.

(December 10, 2010)

Tallahassee Drivers

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I have had to do a lot of driving back and forth to Tallahassee the past few weeks which has brought me to a conclusion. Tallahassee drivers completely suck!!!! Seriously. Every time I encounter the awesome driving skills of Florida’s capital city, I think to myself “self, calm down, this person is an idiot but it is not fair to group all Tallahassee drivers with her” (and yes, I said ‘her’ for a reason). Well, I was wrong because they are all horrible. I know what you’re thinking. “Kristin, you have lived there for over a year now, aren’t you technically a Tallahassee driver too?” No. I learned how to drive in south Florida therefore, I am not a Tallahassee driver. And I am by no means claiming to be the best driver in the world. I know my faults. But these people are rediculous!!!! So, to all of you Tallahassee drivers out there, a few pointers:

1. If the speed limit is 55, it is NOT OK to go 32.
2. Those lines on the road? They are to tell you where your car goes. Your car goes between the lines, not the line going down the center of your car.
3. If there is more than one lane going the same direction, it is not ok to drive the exact same speed as the person next to you. Especially when that speed is 10mph below the speed limit.
4. That stick coming out of the left hand side of the steering column? That controls the BLINKER. Use it.
5. The rear view mirror is not there for you to put on your make up or check out what your kids are doing in the back seat.
6. Get off the phone because apparently you can’t do multiple things at once.
7. Pick a speed. At this point, I don’t even care if it’s really slow, just let me get around you. It is not ok to speed up as someone is passing you.
8. When two lanes merge, it is not ok to go real fast to get in front of someone and then slow way down.
9. Quit swerving. I’m not sure what it is you’re doing, but wake up, put two hands on the steering wheel and drive.
10. Please, for the love of God, get your kids/dogs out of the back of your truck. The way you drive, you will most definately get in an accident and if you’re child is lucky, I will see him in the PICU.

Those are my main ones. Believe me, over the past few weeks, I have said all those and many more. To all you Tallahassee drivers, I hate you all.

Today I…

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drove a tractor. Yeah, that’s right, completely not kidding. Today I drove a tractor. It’s not my tractor (obviously) it’s Randy, our project manager’s. He’s kind of like a contractor but not so intense. Anyway, he came by the house yesterday to drop off his tractor for us to use to clean up and get ready for the stone to be put up. The dumpster we have is for building materials only (it get’s recycled) so there’s random trash all over the place, it’s pretty gross. The idea is that instead of picking up each individual piece of trash and walking it over to the trash pile to be burned, you just fill up the front of the tractor and then drive it all to the pile at once and dump it. Because of Nick’s back he hasn’t been at the house (how convenient) so Randy gave the key to me. He asked if I had ever driven a tractor before and I told him that I had driven a fork lift. He chose to ignore my comment (I don’t know if he thought I was being sarcastic, or if he just ignored me) and he said to tell Nick that it was here for us to use if we wanted. Well this man clearly underestimates me (hehe) because today I drove his tractor, ha. Well, Nick had to tell me how first. It’s would be self explanatory if anything was labeled, but I had to make sure so I wouldn’t mess anything up. It’s pretty much like driving a fork lift except it has a clutch and the fork lift goes faster. Anyway, I was there by myself because Nick was on his bedrest and there was no one to take a picture of me so here is a picture of the tractor and me driving it from my point of view. If you ever need anyone to operate any farming equipment, I’m your girl. You don’t even know.