All posts by krweaver1

What’s With Those Mermaids Anyways?

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I don’t know if it’s the dislike for Ariel, but I really just don’t understand the concept of mermaids.  I mean, I get that their top half is human but what is the bottom half?  Are they half fish?  Are they a mammal?  It’s very confusing!  Their tails move up and down like a mammal (as opposed to fish who’s tails move side to side) but they have scales which is a fish feature.  I feel like nobody really thought this through.  Did the illustrators really think that no one was going to question this?  And speaking of ‘the illustrators’, who was the first person to mermaid?  Because that person is the one to blame for this craziness!  And then everyone else just followed suit!  Look at any drawing of a mermaid…they are all the same…human body with a tail that has scales and moves up and down.  Now, I’m talking about modern day depictions of mermaids.  If you are going to get all intellectual and start talking about the origin of the myth of the mermaid which was thousands of years ago, blah blah blah…just stop.  I don’t want to hear about that crap.  Why would you even start that, we are talking about mermaids…fictional creatures.  The fact that I am actually spending time to write this and you are actually spending time to read this is ridiculous.  Are we past that now?  Great.  Ok, now close your eyes and picture a mermaid.  Now in that picture, doesn’t she have a tail with scales (and is also possibly wearing a sea shell bra)?  So what is it, a fish or a mammal?  They have no classification and that’s what freaks me out.  How do they pee?  How do they poop?  How do they have baby mermaids?  Do they lay eggs?  Oh my God you guys, I just googled “pregnant mermaid” and this picture came up.

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I am so disturbed right now.  Who’s baby is it?!  Didn’t King Triton turn Ariel into a human at the end of the movie?  That means it can’t be Eric’s baby!  Maybe this was supposed to have happened before the movie took place.  Was Ariel a teenage mother?!  I wouldn’t be surprised with her history of defiance!  Where is the baby now?  And why is Flounder so close to the spot where her vagina could be?!  IS IT FLOUNDER’S BABY?!?!?!  I mean, her bottom half, and therefore her reproductive organs, could be fish.  How did the baby get inside?!  AAAAAHHHHH!  I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!  Who would even draw this picture?  What purpose could this possibly have?  I am so off topic now, I don’t even remember what this post was supposed to be about.  I can’t even think straight so I’m just going to wrap it up.  Mermaids are weird.  But not weird in a cool, doing their own thing because they want to branch out from the norm and then everyone ends up wanting to be like them because they are super original kind of way.  More like weird in a you make no sense in this universe kind of a way.  I mean, I can handle flying carpets and a magic spell that turns a boy into a beast but a girl who is a human on top and a fish on the bottom?!  Whoa!  That’s crazy!

Do Not Feed the Birds!

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The absolute craziest thing happened to us the other day.  The girls and I were with my sister at the Polynesian Resort in Disney World.  Nick was in Orlando for Odyssey of the Mind stuff so the girls and I drove down to see his kids perform and to hang out with him.  All three girls took a nap in the car on the way to Orlando (something so rare that it is worth noting) so I told them that we could all ride the monorail as a reward.  Katie happened to be there doing Disney cast member stuff so she met us for dinner, which puts us at the Poly, outside, eating some chicken with pineapple and pulled pork nachos (which were FANTASTIC).  Alexa had the nachos in front of her and was munching away  listening to Katie and I talk.  We had just finished telling the girls that we had something super awesome planned for this evening (again, yay for naps) but we could not do anything fun if we had any fussers.  There was to be no complaining and absolutely no crying.  As soon as the words left my mouth, we were attacked!  A giant black bird swooped down, slammed on the table between myself and Alexa, grabbed a chunk of food off of the nacho plate and then took off flying over Kate’s head, brushing Alexa’s face with it’s wings!  It was the craziest shit I have ever seen!  Katie and I sat there with our mouths open.  All of the people around us stared at us in shock and Kate and Alexa had a look of horror on their faces.  When we finally came to our senses, Katie and I looked at each other and then at the girls and told them that it was okay to cry.  Alexa immediately burst into tears and Kate jumped out of her chair exclaiming “I’m done eating!”.  We threw away the rest of the food and ran inside before any more birds could attack (and so did a couple of the people who were sitting around us).  It was something straight out of my nightmares.  Those nasty, feathered sky rats have it out for me and my children.  They fly together in flocks so that they can plan their next attack.  You think I’m crazy but this shit is real!!!  Nick would agree with you too, he doesn’t pay attention to half of what I talk about anymore. He says that I give animals too much credit because I think that they communicate with each other and think intelligently but I’m telling you this bird was serious about his attack!  So what have we learned from this experience?  Birds are evil and you must believe everything Disney World says, which leads me to my PSA of the day.  I love Disney World and the revamp of the Polynesian looks amazing, but if Disney tells you to not feed the birds, DO NOT FEED THE DAMN BIRDS!!!!!  They will think that everybody’s food is for them and they will attack you and your children!

A Letter To My Nurse In The ER

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You probably don’t remember me, I wouldn’t expect you to.  I was the girl who came into the ER 9 weeks pregnant and spotting.  Everyone had assured me that they were sure that everything was fine with the baby, especially since I had just had a normal ultrasound a few days ago, but I thought the spotting was strange.  We chatted about the hospital that we both work at and you told me that you were a float nurse working in the ER that day…just small talk to fill the empty space during vital signs and assessments.  Nick and I actually spent much more time with the doctor, who also assured us that everything should be ok, but maybe let’s do an ultrasound just to put my mind at ease.  I knew that something was wrong when the ultrasound took forever and the tech never turned the screen for me to see the baby.  The doctor came in our room a few minutes later and told us what I knew in my heart already.  Our baby had died.  There was no fetal heart beat.  He said his condolences and informed us that there was nothing more to be done in the ER, he was sending us home.  You came back into the room and after going through the discharge information with me nodding my head and muttering “I understand” what seemed like a thousand times, you leaned over, looked directly into my eyes and said (quite forcefully) “It’s not your fault.  You need to know that this is NOT your fault.”  I nodded again and after you left the room Nick even made a comment to me about how rough you were.  The thing is, that was exactly what I needed.  And for some reason, it was you who stayed in my head over the next few days and even after.  Practically every person I know told me the exact same thing but for some reason, I believed you.

During the confirmatory ultrasound at my doctor’s office you popped into my head “It’s not your fault”.

As I sat listening to my doctor talk about probable genetic mutations and how often this actually happens, you were there “It’s not your fault”.

Over the course of the next few days, through my D&C and through hours of laying in bed too numb to cry, there you were “It’s not your fault”.

When I went back to work and was literally surrounded by women who were pregnant and due within weeks of my due date, a constant reminder of what I had lost, “It’s not your fault”.

Even after I got pregnant again just two months later.  When I thought that being pregnant again was all I wanted and then feeling the guilt of realizing that I wasn’t ready yet, “It’s not your fault”.

At Christmas when my aunt pulled me aside to give me a hug and whisper words of advise that can only come from a woman who has lost a baby herself.  When, knowing that I was already pregnant again, I had to smile and say that I was okay before quickly slipping into the bathroom to cry.  And then sitting in that bathroom feeling ridiculous for crying over a fetus that was only 9 weeks gestation. There you were again, “It’s not your fault”.

As all of those work girls had their spring babies, “It’s not your fault”.

As I prepared for Lia to be born, “It’s not your fault”.

Even now, as I hold by beautiful, perfect baby in my arms and I breathe in her sweet baby smell, I am overwhelmed with both gratitude and sorrow.  For the baby I hold and for the one who was lost.  The one that made it possible for Lia to be born.  And there you are again.  Once more reminding me that it’s not my fault.

The Slowest Human in History

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Alexa had her preschool graduation the other day, which happened to be one of the cutest and (surprisingly) most entertaining things I’ve been to in awhile.  Each child was announced by his/her teacher and then the teacher announced which elementary school they were attending and what they wanted to be when they grew up.  The child had to stand at the front of the stage while all of this was being said and then went over to the superintendent to get her diploma.  Pretty cute.  And you would think that 45 kids later, it would get super boring but it wasn’t!  All of the parents clapped for each child and it was hilarious to hear the anticipated career paths of each preschooler.  As you can imagine, there were tons of princesses, police men, fire fighters, things like that.  And every now and then you get a child who changed it up and wanted to be an “animal doctor” or a marine.  What did my kid want to be when she grows up, you ask?  Oh, well apparently, Alexa wants to be a dolphin trainer.  Yeah.  I mean, I’m not sure what else I expected from the girl who loves birds, Tinker Bell and Ariel and pretty much everything else that I have a natural aversion to.  It’s as if she was put on this earth to test and question everything that I hold true.  And so in honor of my future dolphin trainer, I give you The Slowest Human in History.

I am always late.  It’s just who I am.  I’m not ridiculously late, maybe 10 or 15 minutes.  But regardless, I’m always late.  Or at least I’m running late and grabbing things as I rush out the door, cursing to myself and vowing to wake up 10 minutes earlier tomorrow or at least play one less game of Frozen Free Fall before I get out of bed.  And of course that doesn’t happen because the next morning as I am super comfy in my nice warm bed, exhausted from having been up just 2 hours ago nursing a baby, I talk myself into needing that extra 10 minutes of rest and then some quiet game playing on my phone before I start the day.  The thing is, it kind of works for me.  I realize that by sleeping that extra few minutes, I will have to move quickly to get my shit together and be a bit on the frantic side when I’m getting ready but I’m OK with that.  It’s an informed decision that I make and to me, it’s worth it.  I am able to estimate about how long it will take me to accomplish each task so that I can run out the door at the very last second.  The problem arises when I have to get the girls ready because one of those beautiful creatures that I created is the slowest moving human being I have ever met.  Seriously.  She is slower than molasses.  I’ve never even seen molasses move and I imagine that it’s pretty damn slow but I guarantee that Alexa is slower.  I just don’t understand how it takes 20 minutes to eat a bowl of cereal.  Or 10 minutes for her to brush her hair.  And then it’s not even brushed all the way!  I don’t get it!  Someone please explain this to me!  And don’t say that it’s just because it’s the morning and she’s not awake yet because it’s all the time.  It’s getting her seat belt on in the car and then getting out of the car when we get to our destination.  She is physically unable to speak and move at the same time.  Seriously.  If, while she is attempting to get her stuff together to get out of the car, she starts talking, she will stop moving.  She will literally stop all motion to stand there and tell me something.  It is so bad that we have a rule in our house that a child is not allowed to do or say anything until she accomplishes the task that I have asked her to do.  I need for all concentration and focus to be on actually getting out of the car sometime this year.  I understand that she was given to me to test my patience and to make me slow down and better time manage and all of that crap.  But let me tell you, this is a hard lesson to learn!

Flippin’ Little Dolphins

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So, we took Alexa and Kate to the Georgia Aquarium last weekend.  We love a good educational “field trip” plus, the girls had a lot of fun.  Alexa LOVES any ocean creature so it was super cool for her see and learn about everything.  And Kate was on repeat, alternating between “What’s that thing?” and “Fish! Blub, blub, blub” (in music class, they say that a fish says “blub” – I just go with it).  Anyway, while we were there, I came to an interesting realization.  I don’t like dolphins.  Yeah, that’s right.  I said it.  Those fun loving aquatic mammals that everyone is obsessed with?  The animal that would win “most likely sea creature to be tattooed on a 18 year old sorority girl’s hip”?  They’re irritating.  I feel like they spend their entire lives showing off.  And as we were watching the super corny dolphin show, all I could think about was how much I now appreciated the scene in Finding Nemo where Chum (a shark) says this:

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Well done, Disney, well done.  You know, what’s wrong with a whale or a manatee?  Manatees are awesome!  They are gentle, they eat a lot of greens and they don’t bother anyone.  I assume that in the ocean, when the other wildlife see the dolphins coming, they swim the other way and try to hide.  I mean really, who wants to hear someone constantly talk about how fantastic they are, how fast they can swim, how long they can hold their breath, how they hunt in groups?  Who cares?!  I’m sure that they do the same sort of bragging when they live in an aquarium too.  And when that happens, I assume that the other mammals and fish in the aquarium just swim away and shake their heads.  They probably talk about them later saying stuff like “What the hell are they bragging about?!  Those bitches got caught just like the rest of us!”.  Dumbasses.  I realize that I have no fact to base this on and that this is purely my perception of what may go on between sea creatures, assuming that they can communicate.  But in my small mind, this is what I imagine.  I just feel like the hype over dolphins is too big, they steal all of the other sea mammals’ thunder and we should all love manatees.

(I actually wrote this last January but never published it.  Alexa still loves all things that are in the ocean but Kate is no longer repeating the word “blub” every time she sees a fish! 🙂  I still do not like dolphins.)

 

A Lot Can Happen in a Year

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Well, not a whole lot.  I mean, I had another baby.  Look at how beautiful she is! 2016-22-1--21-53-00 - Copy.jpegDon’t you just want to eat her chunky face?! (You know, in a non cannibal kind of a way)  Alexa is about to dance in her first competition, Kate has proven herself to be a genius and Lia is the sweetest little thing I have ever met in my life.  We have been busy with our usual level of craziness and I have had tons of thoughts about blog posts but very few that have actually made it onto the computer.  So…I am going to try this whole blogging thing again!  I have a few drafts written that I never posted so if something seems weird, it’s because I wrote it months ago.  So no judging, OK?  Let’s see how long I last this time!

Monograms

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I would like to start off by saying that this post is 20% sarcasm and 80% I really would like for someone to explain this to me.  What is with all of the freaking monograms?!  These people put their monogram on everything!  Who are “these people”, you ask?  Trust me, if you’re one of them, you know who you are.  I have noticed the monogram phenomenon but I didn’t realize the extent of it until someone at my work (actually, there are two of them…again, you know who you are) was super excited because she got her Christmas tree skirt monogrammed.  (Spellcheck just told me that ‘monogramed’ is really spelled ‘monogrammed’ and I don’t know if I believe it.  I think it’s trying to mess with me after the whole ‘dynamite’ situation.)  Anyway.  Really? A tree skirt?  I don’t know why, but the monogrammed tree skirt is what put me over the edge.  (Just so you know, when she told me about her tree skirt, I proceeded to ask her if she had monogrammed her child yet.  She replied with “I would if I could!”).  Don’t get me wrong, I like a good monogrammed item.  I have a couple of things that have my monogram on it but I feel that they are all very practical items for a monogram.  For example, I have a make-up bag that my friend gave to me for being in her wedding.  It has my monogram on it and I love it!  Well, the bag is very nice (and a perfect size for holding a few diapers and a small container of wipes), but even the monogram makes sense.  If my bag gets mixed up with someone else’s, I quickly know which one is mine.  Thank you monogram.   See?  Practical.  Girls at the dance studio who have their monogram on their bag or leotard…practical.  Everyone has matching bags and leotards, why not have an identifying characteristic on yours?!  I’m pretty sure that everyone who walks into your house knows that your tree skirt belongs to you.

I just want to know where it came from,  I personally think that it’s the natural progression from having your name on the back of your shirt.  You know, in the 80s when it was cool for kids to have their name on the back of their shirt?  And then parents figured out that it was fail-safe way for pedophiles to know their kids’ name.  So, we moved on to the name plate necklaces of the 90s.  I had two of those.  This made it harder for the pedophiles to see your name but all the more creepy when they got it right because you know that they were staring at your chest!  I feel that the monogram is the obvious next step.  Except that people put it on everything!  It’s almost like they are labeling their stuff so that nobody else can take it.  And if that were the case, you’d think that it would be more popular among the lower income group of people.  Except that it’s freaking expensive!  Especially if you’re monogramming everything you own…that shit adds up!  Or maybe I’m thinking about it all wrong.  Maybe it’s more of a status symbol.  Maybe people are like “Look how rich I am, I can get my underwear monogrammed!”  and people around them are all like “Oh shit! Oh shit!”.  And, I suppose the price may offset itself in the end because if everything you own if monogrammed, your house is not going to get robbed. Who wants a bunch of stuff with someone else’s monogram on it?!  I bet the robbers’ resale price at a pawn shop would be really crappy too.  It’s drastically limits their clientele to people who have that exact same monogram.  That’s just bad business!  I wonder what would be more expensive…having everything in your house monogrammed or purchasing a security system?  It’s something to look into.  The really shitty thing would be if a robber’s girlfriend or wife had your monogram.  It would be a total system breakdown.  As soon as you’d restock your monogrammed supply of stuff, they’d just clean you out again.  You’d pretty much have to move.  Far away.  Or get a real security system.  Either one.

Again, I would just like to be clear that I am in no way making fun of people who monogram their life.  I think that on most things, it’s pretty.  I just don’t quite understand it.  And I know that you are going to say that it’s a “southern thing”.  I’m just trying to figure out if it’s a positive southern thing (like cornbread and having manners) or if it’s a negative southern thing (like when people say “Bless your heart!”  Hint to all you south Florida friends…they do not actually mean that they want to bless your heart.  They either A-don’t know what to say, or B-are being overly passive aggressive.  It’s usually B.).

New Year, New Blog!

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Welcome to my new blog!!!  I’ve been wanting to change sites for awhile now for a number of reasons.  People were complaining about not being able to easily comment, it wasn’t the set up that I wanted, and most importantly, I forgot my password.  Oops.  You’d think that would be an easy thing to recover but, you see, the email address that I had linked to that blog does not exist anymore and I couldn’t change it to my current gmail address so I’m not really sure what I did.  In short, I couldn’t write anything on there even if I wanted to!  And being that I haven’t even tried to post anything on the old blog in over 6 months, I thought that this was the perfect time to make the switch.  Plus I got my own domain name!!!  (That’s what it’s called, right?)  Actually, I have two.  Embarrassing moment here… I can’t spell.  Like, at all.  Spellcheck is my best friend. So as I was registering for my new awesome blog, instead of registering for 5feetofdynamite.com, I definitely registered for 5feetofdynomite.com.  Yeah.  And the only reason why I even caught it is because as I was trying to write this post (for the first domain that I got) spellcheck changed “dynomite” to “dynamite”.  I told you that spellcheck was my best friend (Although, I imagine it slowly shaking it’s head at me and calling me a dumbass.  Which, in this case, is warranted.).  So, after I re-registered for the correct spelling of my new blog I was able to copy and paste some posts from the previous blog onto this one.  And here I am!  Why 5 feet of dynamite?  Well, after about a year of working at my current job, there was a person who commented on how little (short) and quiet I was.  One of my coworkers who had seen the real side of Kristin proceeded to comment that I may appear to be innocent and quiet but that I was really five feet of dynamite.  The name kind of stuck.  He now calls me “dynamite” for short.  And it seemed like an appropriate name for my new little blog.  I’m not going to promise that I will write more often because that never actually works out, but we shall see what happens!

How To Pack A Car (Alone) With 2 Children In 27 Easy Steps

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1- A week before your trip, make multiple lists for every possible item you may need.

2- Spend every spare moment you have in that preceding week packing the bags and making new lists.

3- The night before you leave, collect your bags by the door and double check your packing skills.  Make a new list of last minute items to be packed in the morning and have yet another bag ready for those things.

4- The morning of your trip, wake up, get the children up and (referring to your final list) pack your last bag.  Go ahead and feel really good about yourself right now and take a moment to let that feeling sink in because this will be your best parenting moment of the day.  Please notice that your best parenting moment did not include children.

5- Try to take the dog out and realize that it’s starting to rain.  Well crap.  You will then have to pick the dog up and put her in the grass because she has developed a sudden, irrational fear of water (especially the kind that falls from the sky).  Tell her that she’s being ridiculous, that it’s only sprinkling and that she needs to pee now.  She does not pee, but turns around the second you put her on the grass and runs back inside.

6- Go put a pee pee pad down on the floor in your bathroom for the dog to pee on.

7- Attempt to stop the 1 year old from unpacking all of your beautifully packed bags that are still sitting by the door.

8- When the 3 year old asks to help, tell her that she can help by watching the 1 year old.  (She will then say “OK!” and sit on the floor in your room with the 1 year old to play with her.  Appreciate this moment.)

9- Begin carrying the bags out to your car.  You will need to take the double stroller, so there will be some strategy in packing the trunk of your little Ford Focus.

10- After you have the stroller and larger bags by the trunk of the car, take a moment to assess the situation and visualize how everything will fit best.  About half way through packing the bags into the trunk you will notice a small, chunky baby running out of the garage into the rain…barefoot.  And guess who’s running out right behind her?  The (apparently miraculously healed of her water phobia) dog.  The same dog who was acting as if we had acid rain in North Florida is now chasing after the 1 year old and jumping in puddles like she’s a puppy.  Meanwhile, of course the rain starts coming down harder and the bags are getting wet.

11- Screw the systematic approach and throw the rest of the bags into the trunk.

12- Run after the barefoot 1 year old who is now soaked and filthy and is also now running away from you while shrieking with laughter.

13- After you get the 1 year old back into the garage, go back out for the dog who has now apparently gone deaf because she suddenly has no idea what the phrase “Minnie! Get back in the house!!!” means.  As you get the dog, be prepared for the 1 year old to try to escape back out into the rain…it will happen.

14- With the dog under one arm and the 1 year old under the other arm, get back into the house where you will find the 3 year old standing in your room.  Now here’s where I’m going to save you the trouble because if you ask her: “Alexa, I thought you were going to help Mommy by watching Kate and Minnie”  she will answer: “I was watching them and then they walked away from me and I couldn’t see them anymore.”  I have no words.

15- Get the baby cleaned up and put shoes on everyone.

16- Pack up some snacks for the car .  Look up and realize that it stopped raining (probably as soon as you came inside).

17- Tell everyone that it’s time to get in the car and, with the bags that contain the car toys on your shoulder, try to herd the children through the garage and out to the car.

18- Spend about 5 minutes getting them into their seats and buckled in.

19- Bring the dog back inside.  Again.  Tell her that she’s not coming this time.

20- Grab your purse and keys, lock the door and get into the car.  This is when the 3 year old will ask for a drink…and you realize that her sippy cup is not in the diaper bag.

21- Go back into the house to get the missing sippy cup (which the 1 year old had pulled out of the bag in her attempt to unpack everything).

22- Get back into the car and realize that your phone isn’t plugged into the charger and in the cup holder where you keep it.

23- Search frantically for the phone.  Dump out your purse and diaper bag onto the front seat.

24- Go back inside to look for your phone.  (you left it on the kitchen counter)   On your way out, grab some more snacks.

25- Dump your phone and the snacks onto the front seat in the car and go back into the garage to get a Pepsi out of the fridge (because who the hell thought it was a good idea to wake up at 6:45 so that we could leave as soon as the girls got up?!).

26- Go back into the house at least 3 more times for random items that you either forgot or one of the girls said that they need.

26- Drive to the stop sign at the end of your street where you will suddenly remember 2 more things that you forgot.

27- Keep driving.  It’s not worth it.

(June 12, 2014)

The Hunger Games, Princess Style

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I promise this will be the last Disney Princess post for awhile.  But this is what the previous princess post would have included had it not been so long.

Most of the time, when I am thinking about something that I want to write about on my blog, I bring it up in conversation with my sister to see how she reacts.  Most of the time my posts are mini versions of 45 minute conversations that we have while I’m driving home from work.  The princess post is no exception…except that half of it was left out.  The awesome half.  Disclaimer: If you don’t want to read about princesses taking out other princesses, just stop right now.  While discussing the strengths of Pocahontas, I said that I w

ould love to see Pocahontas and Mulan in a cage fight.  The conversation quickly turned to who would kick who’s ass fighting cage fight style until Katie had the most brilliant idea ever.  She said:  “Oh my God!  What if all the princesses were in the Hunger Games?!”

Obviously, we are going Hunger Games 1 style with the cornucopia.  Everyone must be in their natural forms (that means no turning into a frog and hiding in a swamp, Tiana).  No weapons or animal friends are allowed to enter the arena with the princess, but as in the Hunger Games, there will be helpful items at the cornucopia.  Elsa is not participating because she would just freeze everyone right away and win. And what fun is that?  So.  Let’s begin.  May the odds be ever in your favor!

OK, so Ariel is obviously the first to go.  I don’t know if she comes up into the arena in a tank of water or just sitting on the ground but either way she would probably wave excitedly at the other girls right before Pocahontas harpoons her ass.  I like to think that the Gamemakers put the harpoon by Pokey just for entertainment purposes.  Upset by Ariel being the first out?  Don’t be.  As one of Katie’s friends put it: Let’s face it, she was a sitting duck…or fish.  Thank you, Kara.  OK, now that Ariel is impaled, the other girls get running.  More timid princesses to the woods, bad ass bitches to the cornucopia.  Just for argument’s sake, we are going to assume that Jasmine, Pokey, Mulan and Merida are careers and have formed an alliance.  They are the ones that go to the cornucopia, they are the ones that everyone else is running from.  They thought about letting Tiana into their little group.  (You know, so that they could cover all ethnic backgrounds.)  But they decided that she didn’t have much to offer in terms of hard core combat skills.  Anyway, back to the games.  Cindy and Belle are the next to go.  Cindy can’t run very well due to her lack of toes so Belle and Anna try to help her.  Cindy goes down first which causes Belle to stare in horror (and then fall herself) and Anna to run away (What? She’s Norwegian.  And, while idealistic, she’s pretty fiesty.).

Snow White and Aurora decide to stick together.  They discovered in training that they both share a love for the woods and animals.  And also that they both have names that nobody (or very few people) actually know.  I’m sure Aurora finds it highly irritating that people think her actual name is Sleeping Beauty and is Snow White’s real name Snow White?!  Who does that to their kid?  OK, so they hang out for a little bit and then Snow finds some awesome looking fruit which she insists on trying and guess what…they’re poisonous.  Aurora walks away shaking her head and muttering that Snow never learns her lessons and walks right into a bush full of needle-like thorns.  Damn it, Aurora.

Are you wondering what happened to Anna?  Well after the careers got Cindy and Belle, she thought about it a little bit more and decided that if she could just talk to the BAB’s (bad ass bitches) she could convince them to all work together and save Arendelle.  I mean the Hunger Games.  Yeah, that didn’t work out to well for her.

Tiana is next to go.  She finds what she thinks is a swamp but it’s actually the bank of a river.  And guess who was coming just around the river bend?  That’s right.  Our favorite Native American and her weapon wielding friends, Mulan and Merida.  We are assuming that the cornucopia had a canoe, swords and a bow and arrow.  There’s no competition between that and a girl wading in the water.

Speaking of the cornucopia.  Jasmine got stuck guarding it when the other BABs realized that she’s not much use without her tiger.  Unfortunately for her, there was a tiger there.  Jasmine thought it was Rajah, so after the other girls left in their canoe, she opened the cage and gave him a big hug.  It wasn’t Rajah.

Rapunzel, having watched all of that from high up in the nearby trees, decided that it was time to pick out her own weapon and get something to eat.  She looted the now unguarded cornucopia, taking all the available food and of course, a frying pan.  She ate extremely well that night but didn’t quite realize that the wonderful smell of her cooking (and campfire) would give away her location.  She put up a pretty good fight with the frying pan but in the end, Merida’s long range with the bow and arrow took her out.

When the BAB’s realized they were the only one’s left, they obviously turned on each other.  Mulan and Merida brought down Pokey because they no longer needed her canoe rowing or navigational skills.  As for the last two, I can’t decide who would win.  Mulan has a sword and combat experience while Merida has a bow and arrow and you can’t deny the fact that she’s wrestled with a bear.  I don’t know.  I think Merida might win.  What do you think?

(April 21, 2014)