Alexa had her preschool graduation the other day, which happened to be one of the cutest and (surprisingly) most entertaining things I’ve been to in awhile.  Each child was announced by his/her teacher and then the teacher announced which elementary school they were attending and what they wanted to be when they grew up.  The child had to stand at the front of the stage while all of this was being said and then went over to the superintendent to get her diploma.  Pretty cute.  And you would think that 45 kids later, it would get super boring but it wasn’t!  All of the parents clapped for each child and it was hilarious to hear the anticipated career paths of each preschooler.  As you can imagine, there were tons of princesses, police men, fire fighters, things like that.  And every now and then you get a child who changed it up and wanted to be an “animal doctor” or a marine.  What did my kid want to be when she grows up, you ask?  Oh, well apparently, Alexa wants to be a dolphin trainer.  Yeah.  I mean, I’m not sure what else I expected from the girl who loves birds, Tinker Bell and Ariel and pretty much everything else that I have a natural aversion to.  It’s as if she was put on this earth to test and question everything that I hold true.  And so in honor of my future dolphin trainer, I give you The Slowest Human in History.

I am always late.  It’s just who I am.  I’m not ridiculously late, maybe 10 or 15 minutes.  But regardless, I’m always late.  Or at least I’m running late and grabbing things as I rush out the door, cursing to myself and vowing to wake up 10 minutes earlier tomorrow or at least play one less game of Frozen Free Fall before I get out of bed.  And of course that doesn’t happen because the next morning as I am super comfy in my nice warm bed, exhausted from having been up just 2 hours ago nursing a baby, I talk myself into needing that extra 10 minutes of rest and then some quiet game playing on my phone before I start the day.  The thing is, it kind of works for me.  I realize that by sleeping that extra few minutes, I will have to move quickly to get my shit together and be a bit on the frantic side when I’m getting ready but I’m OK with that.  It’s an informed decision that I make and to me, it’s worth it.  I am able to estimate about how long it will take me to accomplish each task so that I can run out the door at the very last second.  The problem arises when I have to get the girls ready because one of those beautiful creatures that I created is the slowest moving human being I have ever met.  Seriously.  She is slower than molasses.  I’ve never even seen molasses move and I imagine that it’s pretty damn slow but I guarantee that Alexa is slower.  I just don’t understand how it takes 20 minutes to eat a bowl of cereal.  Or 10 minutes for her to brush her hair.  And then it’s not even brushed all the way!  I don’t get it!  Someone please explain this to me!  And don’t say that it’s just because it’s the morning and she’s not awake yet because it’s all the time.  It’s getting her seat belt on in the car and then getting out of the car when we get to our destination.  She is physically unable to speak and move at the same time.  Seriously.  If, while she is attempting to get her stuff together to get out of the car, she starts talking, she will stop moving.  She will literally stop all motion to stand there and tell me something.  It is so bad that we have a rule in our house that a child is not allowed to do or say anything until she accomplishes the task that I have asked her to do.  I need for all concentration and focus to be on actually getting out of the car sometime this year.  I understand that she was given to me to test my patience and to make me slow down and better time manage and all of that crap.  But let me tell you, this is a hard lesson to learn!