I would like to start off by saying that this post is 20% sarcasm and 80% I really would like for someone to explain this to me.  What is with all of the freaking monograms?!  These people put their monogram on everything!  Who are “these people”, you ask?  Trust me, if you’re one of them, you know who you are.  I have noticed the monogram phenomenon but I didn’t realize the extent of it until someone at my work (actually, there are two of them…again, you know who you are) was super excited because she got her Christmas tree skirt monogrammed.  (Spellcheck just told me that ‘monogramed’ is really spelled ‘monogrammed’ and I don’t know if I believe it.  I think it’s trying to mess with me after the whole ‘dynamite’ situation.)  Anyway.  Really? A tree skirt?  I don’t know why, but the monogrammed tree skirt is what put me over the edge.  (Just so you know, when she told me about her tree skirt, I proceeded to ask her if she had monogrammed her child yet.  She replied with “I would if I could!”).  Don’t get me wrong, I like a good monogrammed item.  I have a couple of things that have my monogram on it but I feel that they are all very practical items for a monogram.  For example, I have a make-up bag that my friend gave to me for being in her wedding.  It has my monogram on it and I love it!  Well, the bag is very nice (and a perfect size for holding a few diapers and a small container of wipes), but even the monogram makes sense.  If my bag gets mixed up with someone else’s, I quickly know which one is mine.  Thank you monogram.   See?  Practical.  Girls at the dance studio who have their monogram on their bag or leotard…practical.  Everyone has matching bags and leotards, why not have an identifying characteristic on yours?!  I’m pretty sure that everyone who walks into your house knows that your tree skirt belongs to you.

I just want to know where it came from,  I personally think that it’s the natural progression from having your name on the back of your shirt.  You know, in the 80s when it was cool for kids to have their name on the back of their shirt?  And then parents figured out that it was fail-safe way for pedophiles to know their kids’ name.  So, we moved on to the name plate necklaces of the 90s.  I had two of those.  This made it harder for the pedophiles to see your name but all the more creepy when they got it right because you know that they were staring at your chest!  I feel that the monogram is the obvious next step.  Except that people put it on everything!  It’s almost like they are labeling their stuff so that nobody else can take it.  And if that were the case, you’d think that it would be more popular among the lower income group of people.  Except that it’s freaking expensive!  Especially if you’re monogramming everything you own…that shit adds up!  Or maybe I’m thinking about it all wrong.  Maybe it’s more of a status symbol.  Maybe people are like “Look how rich I am, I can get my underwear monogrammed!”  and people around them are all like “Oh shit! Oh shit!”.  And, I suppose the price may offset itself in the end because if everything you own if monogrammed, your house is not going to get robbed. Who wants a bunch of stuff with someone else’s monogram on it?!  I bet the robbers’ resale price at a pawn shop would be really crappy too.  It’s drastically limits their clientele to people who have that exact same monogram.  That’s just bad business!  I wonder what would be more expensive…having everything in your house monogrammed or purchasing a security system?  It’s something to look into.  The really shitty thing would be if a robber’s girlfriend or wife had your monogram.  It would be a total system breakdown.  As soon as you’d restock your monogrammed supply of stuff, they’d just clean you out again.  You’d pretty much have to move.  Far away.  Or get a real security system.  Either one.

Again, I would just like to be clear that I am in no way making fun of people who monogram their life.  I think that on most things, it’s pretty.  I just don’t quite understand it.  And I know that you are going to say that it’s a “southern thing”.  I’m just trying to figure out if it’s a positive southern thing (like cornbread and having manners) or if it’s a negative southern thing (like when people say “Bless your heart!”  Hint to all you south Florida friends…they do not actually mean that they want to bless your heart.  They either A-don’t know what to say, or B-are being overly passive aggressive.  It’s usually B.).